The Official Fanfiction University of Weyard
by Empress Dots
Summary: [Reloaded version] After years of character butchering, badromance, and badly-written fanfiction in general, the Golden Sun crew has taken it upon themselves to teach lessons to the fandom. Thanks for permission, Miss Cam.
1. Application

The Official Fanfiction University of Weyard

--a spinoff of Miss Cam's famous "The Official Fanfiction University of Middle-Earth"

by Empress Dotdotdot

Disclaimer 1) The idea of an OFU is not and never has been mine. Many many thanks to Miss Cam for giving me permission to spinoff. Any of Miss Cam's friends or minions who are reading this, I DO have permission so please don't mistake this as shameless thievery.

Disclaimer 2) Do not and will not ever own Golden Sun. Come on, you think I'd be spending my time of fanfic if I did own it?

Disclaimer 3) Tammi is not meant in any way to resemble an actual person. Any coincidences with name, behavior, or other blah-de-blah are just that: coincidences.

Oh, and **DO NOT SEND ME OFUW APPLICATIONS, THE UNIVERSITY IS FULL. **In case you didn't realize, this story was deleted and has just now been reposted.

On to the show.

* * *

Tammi Holmes sat down at the computer and began to type. It had been a good deal of time since she had written a decent Golden Sun fanfiction, and she felt the urge to do so again.

* * *

the luv of two elements

by alexluvr4eva

I'm not good at summrys but please read it! alex has a dream about an angel, the girl who steals his heart, plz R&R! LEMON ndont flame

* * *

Tack. Tack. Tack.

The sound of her fingers hitting the keys was a sweet melody in her ears.

* * *

A girl reached out to Alex

"Save me she cried, "for i am alone and sad"

Alec held out his hands and tried to see hwo it was "who arre you" he demanded Angelic wings appeared in fronnt of him and he gasped "an angel" and then he awoke

* * *

"That's right," Tammi said to herself. Her fingers tapped against the keyboard in an idle gesture of thought. "I am the best Golden Sun author out there. Soon enough, I'll be getting all the reviews I could ever need. I'll surpass all those so-called good authors."

A few more clicks of the keys. She smirked. Vynna. The perfect name. For the perfect character. Not a Mary Sue, though. Vynna had plenty of flaws, like being shy and unable to admit her love. She was a pacifist to the point of not wanting to battle even in self-defense, as well. If that didn't make Vynna a non-Mary Sue, she didn't know what did.

She wore a grin on her face as she wrote.

* * *

The girl in the spring was nude, but her long hair covered her body as she bathed. The sunlight glinted off her raven-black hair, making it shine with an unerthley glow. the very air around her seemed to shimmer with light.

Alex stared at the girl, his blue eyes widening as he watched her. "She's beutifull," he whispred. The girl turned arond and smiled at him, her sapphire eyes twinkling in the sunlight. "Hello there, what is you're name?" "I am Alix of Imil." Alex replied.

* * *

Oh, yes, it was going well. Vynna Kyenhart was the best original character she had written yet. She was beautiful. She was kind. She was a Jupiter Adept. And most of all, she wasn't a Mary Sue!

Victory. Sweet victory was hers at last.

Beware, flamers, for Vynna Kyenhart was on the rise. Such a nice character couldn't possibly draw flames! And who would ever want to flame a character who taught Alex the meaning of love?

Ooh, yes, Alex. Hotness at its best. He was such a bishounen, with his long blue hair and pretty eyes. But he was evil—which was, of course, exactly why she had written Vynna. If someone as good as Vynna could like him, surely other people could too!

* * *

It was much latr that Allex and Vynna went into his room and sat down on his bed and Alx stood back up. He closed the door. He sat down on th bed and carefully ran his hands up her body, halting just below her breasts.

"Do you love me?" he said and she said "I do."

He kissed her cheek and cupped her breasts in his hands and then gently bit her right ear. She giggled and kissed him deeply, and his fingers grasped at the buttons of her blause undoing them quickly and frantically as he wished nothing more than to be closer to her.

"Tell me you love me alex said and she said "yes I love yuo."

* * *

Tradition held that would always get a drink before writing the true "lemon" part of the fanfic. So, as per tradition, she stood up, headed to the kitchen, and opened the refrigerator door. She pulled out a can of soda and slammed the door shut.

Then, when she looked up, she nearly dropped her can onto the floor.

"You're 'alexluvr4eva,' correct?" A man in a black suit stood near the door to her kitchen. He inspected a paper he held in one hand. "Also known as Tammi, writer of Mary Sues, clichéd plotlines, and One Who Knows Not What Spellcheck Is?"

"I resent that!" She cracked open her soda and took a quick sip of it. "Vynna and my other original characters are not Mary Sues!"

The man sighed. "Look, sweetie, whether you think they are or not is not important. Fact is, they are, and Alex is getting rather sick of being written into your erotic fantasies." The man removed his sunglasses. "Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Kyle, and I'm from Vale."

At this point, Tammi did drop her soda can onto the floor, where a large orange puddle formed. "Kyle? As in, Isaac's father Kyle?"

"Yes, that's me, why do you ask?"

"You're not real, though!"

"Well, neither is Alex, if you follow that path of logic. You still seem to fantasize about him all day and all night, however."

Tammi blushed. "All I was trying to do was write a little lemon. Nothing wrong with that."

"Except, my dear, that you violated some of the most basic rules of fanfiction writing." Kyle shook his head and sighed. "But I'm not supposed to be lecturing. Well, I may as well get to the point. I don't suppose you have your license?"

"License? Who needs a license?"

"You, obviously. Susa, would you get over here?"

A brown-haired teenager, also in a suit, came into the kitchen bearing a briefcase in one hand.

"Susa?" Tammi stepped back and waved her arms. "Whoa, whoa, wait a minute here. Who else is here?"

"Well, I believe that Alex is in the living room, considering that this is a case which particularly concerns him, but—"

Tammi let out a shriek and ran into the living room, closing her eyes and holding out her arms in order to grab Alex as tightly as possible. She found, however, that her hands hit armor instead of the tunic she had expected.

"I would like to ask you to get your sweaty, fangirlish little paws off my armor," a deep voice said. She looked up to see red eyes and blue skin, with long, pointed ears and silver hair.

"Sa-sa-saturos," she stammered.

"Yes, that is my name. Kindly step away, if you would."

She turned on Kyle and Susa, glaring at them. "But you told me that Alex would be here!"

"Ah, yes. About that," Susa said. He laughed, shaking his head. "It works every time. Tell them their lust object is here, and away they go, straight into the arms of someone else."

Saturos' ears twitched. "I wish you wouldn't use me near as often for these pranks."

"Well, we can't help it if there's a lot of people who dislike you, Saturos."

He scowled. "Miss Jen likes me."

Kyle grinned. "Well, that's Miss Jen, and she's an oddity when it comes to a lot of things."

Saturos looked away, scowling some more. Tammi, meanwhile, was in a fury.

"All I want to do is write a sweet little lemon about Vynna, and you come storming in here, telling me I need some sort of license! Then you tell me that Alex is outside, and you actually lead me straight to Saturos! What do you want with me?"

Susa knelt and unlocked the briefcase, then pulled out a sheet of paper and held it out to the girl. "These are your application forms."

"My application forms for what?"

"Allow me to explain." Saturos glared down at the girl. "We are representatives of OFUW, the Official Fanfiction University of Weyard. There, you can learn how to be a real writer. You know, how to use spellcheck, quit writing Mary Sues, and that sort of thing."

"They are _not_ Mary Sues!" Tammi stomped a foot and returned Saturos' glare.

"Nevertheless, whelp, if you don't learn what it takes to be a good author, you're going to have to go. Miss Jen herself has been observing your awful characterizations of Alex for some time now, and she's the one who sent us to get you. You'd best fill the forms out fast. The first semester starts soon." Saturos folded his arms. "And another thing. Quit trying to glare. You can't do it half-decently."

"Fine!" Tammi threw her arms into the air. "I'm just seeing things anyway, so why not go along with it?" She snatched the papers from Susa and turned around.

"Fill them out, and we'll get them when you're done. Don't worry about sending them to us, that's our responsibility. Oh, and you may want to pack some things. You're going to be at OFUW for a very, very long time." Kyle nodded to Saturos, who walked over to the two and raised one hand, a gem glittering in it.

"Teleport!" With that, the three were gone.

Tammi snorted. "Stupid hallucinations, telling me I can't even write what I want to . . . they're just as bad as all those flamers! They just don't know what they're talking about, that's all. And Vynna is _not_ a Mary Sue!"

_Best to do it in front of the computer_, she thought. _That way, I can get right back to work on my fanfiction as soon as I'm done with these forms._

She walked downstairs and sat down, scrounging for a pen as she glanced over the papers.

_Why am I filling these out, anyway? This is just a hallucination anyway._

A pen appeared in her hand. She blinked momentarily at it, then finally shrugged and began filling out the application.

* * *

Name: Tammi

Penname: alexluvr4eva

Race: (please circle one) (Human), Proxan, Lemurian, Lycanthrope, Other (please specify)

Gender: (please circle one) Male, (Female), Both, Not applicable/None of the above (if "Not applicable/None of the above" or "Both," please explain:)

Psynergy: (please circle one) (Jupiter), Mars, Mercury, Venus, None

Have you played Golden Sun? Yes

Have you played Golden Sun: The Lost Age? Yes

Primary Lust Object (thing/person in Golden Sun which you lust after): Alex

Secondary Lust Object: Picard

Primary Hate Object: Saturos

Secondary Hate Object: Felix

Good/Evil/Neutral? Good

Hair:

* * *

She thought about this one for a long time, then finally listed Vynna's raven-black. No way was she going to have her normal stringy, mousey hair in this dream!

* * *

Eye color:

* * *

Once again, she thought for a bit before writing down "sapphire blue with flecks of silver." She was going to have fun with this, if nothing else.

* * *

I prefer: (please circle one) (Picard), Piers, Leon, Other (please specify)

Do you get seasick? No

Fear of flying? Yes

Fear of heights? No

Lusting: Obvious or not-as-much? Obvious

Why do you write GS fanfic: Because the game is great and Alex is yummy

Do you write slash(yaoi or yuri)? Sometimes

Do you write Mary Sues? She's not a Mary Sue!

Have you read OFUM? No

By signing below, you give up all glomping, tackling, and other fangirl/fanboyish privileges. You also submit to the will of the Headmaster Who Shall Remain Unnamed and the mighty Assistant Headmistress, Miss Jen (Jen-sama for the Japanese-inclined). You also agree to obey all requests/commands given by the teachers and other faculty. We are also making this incredibly long because you're probably too impatient to read anything longer than two sentences. Besides, you're probably already drooling over thoughts of a nude (insert lust object here) and we've had just about enough of your erotic fantasies over him/her. We also claim any rights to warp your appearance, psyche, or other factors according to the way you filled out this form. You're about to submit to the famous LTP (Learning Through Pain) Program, and we hope you suffer thoroughly.

Thank you, and have a good semester!

Signed, Head of Admissions.

Sign here:

* * *

With that, she signed her name. She had just skimmed the last paragraph; it was far too long to interest her. She set the papers down on her desk.

With a brilliant flash of white light, her computer suddenly shut off.

For a few seconds, her mouth opened and closed wordlessly before she let out a piercing screech. "But I didn't save!"

She stormed away from the computer, repressing the strong urge she had to kick it.

There was a fainter flash of light as she turned her back, and the application papers vanished in a few sparkles of Psynergetic light.

A blue-haired man appeared in their place, holding the papers in hand. He looked them over and grinned.

"Oh, I'm going to have _fun_ with you, girl." He smirked slightly and vanished again.

As Tammi walked upstairs, she felt a chill run down her spine.

"You'd best pack now, girl," a man's voice whispered in her ear. "After all, in the morning you'll be at OFUW, and then you're ours to play with."

She turned to see who it was, but there was no one there. All that met her eyes were a few slivers of fading blue light in midair.

She shuddered and decided maybe this wasn't a hallucination after all.

As ordered by the mystery voice, she packed that night. Her Alex pictures went into a safe compartment in her suitcase, while she dumped all her clothes and shoes into the main part.

She finally slipped into bed and sighed.

"What a weird hallucination," she muttered, closing her eyes. "Well, it's all over now, and when I open my eyes in the morning, everything will be fine."

The next morning, she opened her eyes, but everything was definitely not fine. She was sleeping in a bunk bed, in a room made of wood. A blue-haired man with deep green eyes stood across the room, eyeing her warily.

"About time you got up. Welcome to the _Dragon,_ the ship of Captain Picard Piers Leon. We should be in Contigo before too long."

She sat up. "Ship? Contigo?"

"Yeah, Contigo." The man yawned, and with a sudden jolt Tammi realized that he was a Lemurian. "You _are_ alexluvr4eva, aren't you? Enrolled last night? We came and got you straightaway."

She blinked once, sat perfectly still for a moment, then leapt to her feet and ran out onto the deck. She peered over the edge of the ship.

The boat was flying.

Her scream echoed over the empty sea.

All right. Applications to OFUW are **_NOT_** being accepted anymore so please don't apply.


	2. Arrival

Disclaimers remain the same as last chapter, thank you.

**New characters this chapter:**

Sir Daito, Head of Security,

Miss V, Head of Discipline,

Miss Jen, Assistant Headmistress

Karrie, submitted by Akiko

* * *

"Must you scream so loudly?" The Lemurian had followed her onto the deck and was now rubbing one of his ears as he watched her. "You'll wake up all of Weyard at this rate."

Tammi whirled around. "But this isn't real! It's just a dream! It _has_ to be!"

The Lemurian grinned and walked over to her. He gave one of her cheeks a sharp pinch.

"Ow!"

"How very odd!" the man said, his smile widening. "You don't _feel_ like a dream! And neither do I! Curious. Most curious." He stepped back, folding his arms as he did so. His smile soon became a thin frown. "Although, I do wish that _your_ sort was only a nightmare."

She rubbed her cheek as she stepped away from the edge of the ship. The movement of the ship, combined with the fact that it was actually flying, made her feel a bit ill. "What is 'my sort' supposed to mean?"

The man laughed softly. "Come now, you can't honestly think that you're the only person who needs fanfiction help! Mercury knows you're not the only student attending OFUW in its first semester. We've picked up at least a dozen of your kind in the last week alone! You, dear girl, just happen to be the latest applicant."

Tammi shook her head and suddenly realized that something had happened to her hair. She grabbed a handful of it to see that it was much longer and much, much darker. She stared at it for a few seconds and squeaked.

It had turned a deep black color, the same shade she had always imagined Vynna's hair to be. She shook her head, grinning as she felt the long strands wave out behind her. She came to a stop and performed a small jump for joy.

She looked down to see black feathers littering the floor of the ship. She frowned, bent over, and picked one up. Turning to the Lemurian, she asked, "Where did this come from?"

He was stifling a laugh. "Why don't you shake your head like that again, and we'll find out."

She shrugged and obeyed, but this time she felt something sliding out from her hair. She came to a very sudden stop this time.

A few black feathers fell to the floor.

She ran a hand through her dark hair and shuddered. Her hand found one object in her hair, which she pulled out and stared at. She then screamed.

"I have _feathers_ in my hair!"

The Lemurian finally couldn't contain his laughs. Between bursts of laughter, he managed to ask, "You put down 'raven-black' as your hair color, didn't you?"

Tammi twirled one strand of hair around her finger and nodded, resisting the urge to pout.

The man stood up, wiping some tears from his eyes. "Well, dear girl, you _got_ raven-black. Complete with feathers. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if there were some beaks and talons somewhere in there as well."

"That's not even funny!"

"Oh, but it's true, my dear author." He turned and walked to the edge of the boat, gazing over it.

"Hey, what's your name? I can't just keep calling you 'mister' or 'Lemurian' or something like that."

"My name is Jacob Crestt. I'm a Lemurian, as you guessed. I'm also an OC, so I won't be hanging around much."

"An OC? You mean an original character?"

"Well, it looks like at least _someone_ knows her fanficcing terms. Though she doesn't know when they come into play on her own story!" Jacob still had his arms folded.

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Never you mind. That's Miss Jen's department, not mine." He turned back to face her. "So, do you have any questions before we get to the school?"

"Do classes start today?"

"No, it's orientation week. You'll get your housing assignment, meet your roommate, that sort of thing. I think the staff will be presenting the rules and such to you first, though."

"The staff?"

"Well, Miss Jen and her fellow administrators for one, but the teachers as well. You know, Isaac and the entire crew."

Tammi began to happily salivate over the thoughts of Alex that danced through her head. She could just _picture_ the way he'd react when he saw her . . . dropping to one knee, declaring his eternal love for her, the works!

Jacob raised his thin aqua eyebrows. "If I know that look as well as I think I do, you'd best get those thoughts out of your head. None of the teachers are in especially good moods right now, and under no circumstances will your," he struggled with the next words, as if they were poison, "_lust object_ fall to his knees and declare undying love for you. To him, you're probably no more than a fangirl."

"I'm not just a fangirl! I'm a _rabid_ fangirl!"

Jacob chuckled. "Join the ranks, girl." He looked over the edge and suddenly straightened. "Get your things together. We're almost there now."

"But . . . but I'm in my pajamas!"

"It was your choice to stand up here and talk to me instead of getting dressed. If you hurry, maybe you can still manage. Go, go!" He waved a hand at her.

She was putting on her socks when a knock sounded at the door.

"For heaven's sake, I'm almost done! Can't you hold on for one minute?" She grabbed her shoes and stomped over to the door, throwing it open. "What do you—gahhhhh . . ."

"We've landed, miss. I thought you should know, since you're a student . . . what are you staring at?"

Tammi said nothing. However, a long thread of drool was dripping onto the floor.

The Lemurian winced. "My _ship_ . . . and I just waxed the floors too," he muttered. "All right, girl, put your shoes on. Jacob and the rest of my crew will take your luggage in."

"P-p-p-p-p . . ."

He forced a smile and grabbed the doorknob, pulling the door slightly closed. "Come on down to the grounds whenever you're ready!"

The door slammed shut.

"_Picard!_" Tammi screamed, realizing that she had just let the perfect chance slip out of her hands. She pulled her shoes on and tied the laces, trying to do so as fast as she could. However, as she was extremely nervous from what she had just seen, along with being distracted by the thought of meeting Alex, her fingers slipped several times and the shoelaces ended up in several spectacularly-sized knots.

Finally she gave up and just grabbed her backpack off the floor, running out onto the deck. "Picard! Wait for me!"

The boat had landed in a river near Contigo. Picard was nowhere in sight. Jacob, however, was standing on the shore, his arms folded.

"Let's get moving, girl! You're going to be late!"

When they finally arrived at what Jacob claimed to be the University, Tammi had to lean back to look at the buildings. They appeared to be fairly modern, clashing with the medieval atmosphere of nearby Contigo. The university had been built in the massive Crater that had once been the City of Anemos, according to legend.

A tall man bearing a sword at his side was ushering a flood of students into the hall. Tammi watched him with interest.

_He's not from Golden Sun. Wonder if he's on staff with this . . . Miss Jen, I think her name was?_

"We'll take your luggage up to your room," Jacob said, giving her a feeble pat on the shoulder. "Go on, enjoy. The staff members are going to introduce themselves to you and that sort of thing. I'm sure you'll be fine." He and the other Lemurians left. Tammi swallowed and stepped up to the sword-carrying man.

"Excuse me."

"Well, another new student then?" He looked down at her, blinking once.

"Yes. I'm Tammi Holmes."

"Well, you're very welcome to enter. Jen-sama has been keeping an eye on you, that she has. She's probably expecting you."

"Expecting me?"

"That she is. Now go on in! The discussion will start soon." He gave her a soft push toward the door. She had a chance to glance back and see him smiling and waving. Then the crowd engulfed her.

When she finally found her way to a chair, she was gasping for breath from being squashed in the crowd. "Anyone sitting here?" she asked a girl with long silver hair.

The girl looked up, her purple eyes wide, and gave Tammi a quick shake of the head. "No, go ahead and sit. I don't mind."

Tammi sat down and turned to the girl. "What an ordeal! I still don't believe any of this is real!"

"I know what you mean!" the girl replied. "One minute I'm typing up a sweet romance with Isaac and Mia, 'cause everyone loves those, right? The next thing I know I find Puelle, Briggs, and Agatio in my living room!" She grimaced when she mentioned Agatio's name. "Agatio was merely there as mental torture, I guess."

"I had Saturos there to torture me," Tammi interrupted, wrinkling her nose. "Anyway, I'm Tammi, or alexluvr4eva."

"My name's Karrie, but I go by iloveisaac4lyf when I'm fanficcing."

The two shook hands.

"So what's this all about, anyway?" Tammi asked, keeping as quiet as she could. The noise of the entire room had been reduced to no more than whisperings and murmurs.

"I don't know. I think it has to do with Miss Jen, the Headmistress or whoever she is. The one who sent all of us those forms."

"Oh, I see. The one that doesn't like creativity."

Karrie hid a snicker under one hand, but then suddenly stopped laughing. Her eyes became very large.

"What is it?" Tammi asked. "What's wrong?"

"I beg your pardon Miss Holmes, but I heard that just now." Tammi turned around to see a tall woman looming over her. "You see, I'm Miss Jen. And I tolerate creativity just fine, mind you. I'm a bit of an author myself, as a matter of fact. But you"—she stabbed a finger toward Tammi's face—"you have betrayed the canon, and I will not stand for that!"

Tammi stared up at the woman, attempting a grin. "C-canon? What's that?"

A wicked smile formed on the woman's face. "Oh yes, Miss Holmes. I'm going to have _fun_ with you."

She vanished into thin air, leaving a few sparkles of Psynergy in her wake.

"Students, attention please!" The man from before, the one with the sword, was at the microphone. "Excuse me, we'd very much like your attention, that we would!"

When no one listened to him, a woman stood up and whispered something to the swordsman, who quickly sat down. She spoke into the microphone rather loudly. "If you do not give us your undivided attention this instant, each and every one of you will be paying my torture chamber a visit tomorrow morning."

That got the students to quiet down. The woman smiled, pushing some of her long, dark hair out of her eyes. "Thank you very much."

She retreated to her seat, and the woman who had been looming over Tammi appeared at the podium.

"Let's all give a big hand to Miss V, shall we?" She grinned at the other woman. "She's the Head of Discipline, you know!"

There was a chorus of groans.

"Anyway, welcome, one and all, to the Official Fanfiction University of Weyard! I'm the Assistant Headmistress at this facility, and on behalf of the staff I'd like to wish you a warm, cheery welcome!"

Tammi watched as the woman called Miss V pulled out a dagger and began polishing it.

"Here at OFUW, you'll be subject to the top-rate Golden Sun Fanfiction Education! We also have a variety of clubs and organizations available, along with . . ."

Karrie had become stiff in her seat, her mouth agape. Tammi frowned and poked her in the arm.

"What's wrong with you?"

"Don't you see them?" Karrie whispered. "They're all on the other side of the podium! Every last one of them!"

Tammi hazarded a glance in that direction and started to turn back to ask Karrie what she meant. However, at that very instant, her mind registered what she had just seen, and she most likely popped a bone or two in her neck as she snapped her had back to stare.

Isaac. Garet. Ivan. Mia.

Felix. Jenna. Sheba. Picard.

But the one that really drew her eye was the one figure on the end of the row of seats, looking rather bored with the whole discussion and yawning.

"_Alex!"_ Without fully understanding what she was doing, she rocketed to her feet.

Miss Jen sent a bolt of lightning her way. "_Sit,_ Miss Holmes! If you so much as even _think_ about glomping at this University, I'll let the Minis have you! After Miss V is through with you, of course!"

Miss V looked up from her dagger and gave Tammi a wave, along with a tiny smirk.

Tammi sank back into her chair.

"As I was saying, this University was established for the sole purpose of teaching you the proper way of fanfic." Miss Jen held up her hands. "The faculty has arranged your classes for you according to your flaws and needs. There are some courses, like Basic Fanfiction 101, which are required. Other than that, your class schedules may differ quite a bit. This is to help ensure that you experience LTP in all its gory glory."

"LTP?" Tammi whispered to Karrie. "What's that?"

"Didn't you read the fine print?"

"What fine print?"

Karrie blushed. "Okay, so I didn't read it all either, but I remember catching something about LTP. Learning Through Pain, I think it stands for."

"You will also be meeting your roommates today!" Miss Jen continued. "I assure you that we have chosen them with utmost care for both of your interests. Room switching will not be allowed, and if you are caught attempting it, Miss V and the Minis will be given charge over you."

"What's a Mini?" Tammi asked.

"I don't know. And quit asking so many questions, they're all looking at us."

"Finally," Miss Jen said, and only now did Tammi realize how much of the speech she must have missed while caught up in her Alex fantasies, "if you fail here at OFUW, you will not be given another chance. You will not be given a license. You will be banned from the likes of the Golden Sun fanficcing community for as long as you may live. Any questions?"

One boy in the back raised his hand. "Don't you think that's a little harsh?"

Miss Jen narrowed her eyes. "Nothing, my dear boy, is too harsh at this University. It is my firm belief that anyone can pass if they put forth the effort. And if you still think I'm too harsh, I'll set you up in a battle with a dozen Minis. Then you can decide what's harsh."

There was a faint murmuring among the students.

"And now, I'm going to turn the time over to one of our chief faculty to speak to you about the curriculum," Miss Jen said. She stepped back from the podium and motioned.

Isaac sighed and got to his feet. At the moment he reached the podium, over half the girls in the room stood up.

There was a deafening screech of "_Isaac!"_ from the combined crowd of fangirls. Tammi suddenly had the odd sensation of being trampled by Karrie, who was in a rush to get to the stage where her beloved was. Tammi managed to drag herself back into her chair and glance up at the stage, rubbing her shoulder, which Karrie had stomped on.

Alex was holding out his hand and chanting something. A ball of blue light was forming in his palm.

There was a bright flash, and in less than a moment, all the Isaac-stampeders had been knocked out and lay strewn across the floor.

"Thanks, Alex. What would we do without you?" Miss Jen sighed, rubbing her forehead with one hand.

Alex shrugged. "I don't have the quintessence of Alchemy for nothing." With that, he sat down.

Tammi stared at him through the remainder of the discussion.


	3. The Dilemmas of Being a Staff Member

Chapter 3: The Dilemmas of Being a Staff Member

* * *

Miss Jen had decided that caffeine was a very good thing.

It had been three nights since she had gotten a decent night's sleep. There were just too many things to do and not enough time to do them in. She had to sort applications, hire her staff, write up class schedules, keep the Minis in line, and various other things, but several bottles of caffeinated soda had seen that she managed it all.

Now the caffeine was quickly wearing off, and she was having a hard time resisting the urge to pass out on the table.

A two-foot-tall Dullahan poked her leg with the hilt of its sword.

"Go away, Issac. I'm busy."

If Issac the Mini-Dullahan had a face, or even a head for that matter, he most likely would have frowned. Since he had neither, he instead poked her again.

"Issac, can't you see I'm tired? Shoo." She waved a hand at him.

"Overworked and underpaid as usual, I see."

She glanced up. "Oh. Felix. Hi."

Felix shook his head as he watched her. "You're wearing yourself out. You need to get some rest."

"I know." She let out a yawn. "I know. But there's still so much more to do."

"You leave that to Isaac and I. We're the heads of faculty; we'll take care of everything."

"I hear Saturos is starting his class early?" Miss Jen raised an eyebrow, resting her head on the table before her. The table itself was still covered in paperwork.

Felix chuckled. "You'd best believe it. Five o' clock sharp on Thursday morning."

"Villainy 101 will be an amusing class to teach, I imagine," Miss Jen said. "And you? How are your preparations going?"

Felix made a face at this. "Those . . . those 'fanfictions' you wanted me to read . . ."

"Felix, I'm sorry, but in order to know what to teach, you have to know what needs repair."

His eye twitched slightly. "I think my students don't know the difference between angst and whining."

"Well, that's what you're there for, isn't it?" Miss Jen felt another poke at her leg. "Issac, if you don't stop that, you won't get to Formina Sage any of the students."

The Mini-Dullahan sheathed his sword and crept away.

Felix watched him go. "If he had a mouth, he'd be performing an innocent whistle right about now."

"Either that, or cursing me out." Miss Jen's head still rested on the table. "Well, he's the leader of the Minis, while I'm the surrogate leader of this university, so I guess it's only fitting that he volunteered to be my bodyguard. And how is Fekix doing?"

The Mini at Felix's side raised its sword into the air. Felix looked down at it and grinned.

"I may not have as many lusters as Isaac or Picard, but the ones I do have will soon regret attempting to glomp me."

Miss Jen finally raised her head from the table. "Well, that's what the Minis are here for. The students need to suffer at the hands of their own misspellings."

"Believe me, I understand what you mean." Felix looked at a paper on Miss Jen's desk and winced. "Looks like I _will_ have more lusters than I expected."

"Unfortunately for you, yes." Miss Jen straightened in her chair. "Are the students headed to housing?"

"Yes. The Generic Townspeople are taking them." The GT's were all the townspeople who had never been graced with names or character profiles in the games. There was quite a crowd of them, and since Miss Jen had recently required that they carry weapons at all times, she had little doubt that they could handle the students. And if things got out of hand, there were always the Mini-Dullahans.

The Mini-Dullahans were a curiosity of their own. In all Fanfiction Universities, the Mini-creatures would take on the names of characters whose names had been misspelled. At OFUW, however, the madness didn't end there. Miss Jen had taken the liberty of coming up with various other misspelling problems, especially ones for the names of misspelled locations and even weapons. Psynergy misspellings and item misspellings were rarer, but still frequent enough to warrant a special punishment for those who couldn't spell correctly. Miss Jen imagined combat training would be most amusing when watching someone use Kijimonchi—the weapon had such low power that it was more worthless than the Wooden Stick that Jenna carried around at the first of Golden Sun, not to mention that it inflicted various status ailments on the user. And the location misspellings . . . Miss Jen grinned as she pictured someone lost in the nonexistent plane of Lamarkan Desert.

The Minis themselves did come in handy, however. Though none of the students had seen one yet, Miss Jen suspected that the Minis would be happily ushering late students into Saturos's Villainy course come Thursday. Most members of the staff, including the teachers, kept a Mini with them at all times to serve as a bodyguard. Even a miniature Formina Sage could prove to be useful against a crowd of fangirls or angry authors.

Miss Jen imagined a random luster writhing under the True Collide of a Mini, and her face twisted into a sadistic smile.

"I see you're already having fantasies." Felix sighed. "I hate to interrupt them and all, but I wanted to speak to you about something."

"Oh? What is it?"

"Well, you see, Isaac and I were talking about how many of the students here have made Mary Sues in their writing careers. And we were trying to figure out a way to take care of it besides just talking about it in class—"

A loud siren cut him off. Miss Jen glanced at the alarm against the wall and scowled, slamming her palms onto the table as she stood up. "Already?! This is ridiculous! Where are all the Minis when you need them . . . Issac! Garete! Merandi! Come!"

The three Minis were at her side in an instant, all raising their swords.

"Follow me." Miss Jen turned to Felix and offered him a smile. "I'll have to talk to you about that later, Felix. I'm dreadfully sorry."

"No, no, it's not a problem at all." Felix gave her a nervous grin and waved a hand. "If duty calls, there's really nothing I can do about it, is there?"

Miss Jen shook her head and grabbed her jacket off the back of her chair. "Who do you think the victim is?"

"Well, I know that Isaac's up in his room, preparing for his class, so it can't be him. I'd guess that it's our Lemurian friend." Felix toyed with his ponytail. "Heaven knows there are enough of his obsessors at the school."

"What if it's not a guy, though? There are a lot of male students here as well." Miss Jen grabbed a clipboard off her desk, checking her jacket pocket to make sure she had some pencils and pens.

Felix rubbed his chin. "Mia."

"Her or Jenna," Miss Jen said. She gave Felix a quick nod. "I'll see you later." With that, she turned and walked out of the room at a rather brisk pace. Issac, Garete, and Merandi all followed her.

Felix turned and walked back over to the chessboard he had abandoned Saturos at. The Proxan was drumming his fingers on the tabletop as he watched Felix.

"So?" Saturos raised his eyebrows. "What's the news?"

"I didn't get a chance to explain PEST to her. The alarm went off before I got that far." Felix sighed and sat down, surveying the board. He grabbed his knight and moved it. "Check."

"Well, if PEST is to be of any use at all you need to bring it up soon, Felix. Otherwise we can't properly schedule it. You know that."

"Yes, I suppose I do."

"All the same, though, when duty calls . . ." Saturos moved one of his own pieces. "I'm guessing it's a Jenna-induced stampede."

"My money's on the Lemurian."

"You mean Picard? You make a good point. His ship is docked in the closest river, after all, and heaven knows how far fangirls will go for a simple glomp."

Felix winced. "A simple glomp? Saturos, have you read any of the so-called fanfics that our students have written?"

"Yes, and I know perfectly well what you're worried about. Quit fretting. If it is Picard, he can take care of himself. He's a big, tough man, after all."

There was a stretch of silence for a few minutes. The chess game continued.

"Do you think it'll really work, Saturos? I mean, I'm sick to death of being written out-of-character. Not to mention that the few lemons I have starred in have been less-than-pleasant."

"All we can do, Felix, is hope," Saturos replied. He moved another piece on the chessboard. "Checkmate."

Felix sighed. "I hope it does work, Saturos. Heaven knows I'm not getting near the beating some of the others are. Picard, for example, has starred in more lemons than the years I've been alive. So many fangirls here, and so many of them after him . . . And Alex, too! For such a manipulative fellow, he's rather well-liked."

"I heard that, Felix." Alex appeared out of nowhere and took a seat at the table. "But you're right. And I don't want to know what all these angry students will do to the Wise One. Of course, I'd like to do a little something to him as well, but that's another matter entirely. And Master Kraden probably won't be able to keep his class under control, since they all think he talks too much anyway."

They watched as one of the Minis, this one dubbed Sautros, walked by.

"At the very least, we do have a lot of students with who passionately dislike Dullahan," Felix said. "So they, at least, should defer to the Minis without much of a struggle."

"In theory, anyway," Alex added. "But things that work well in theory often don't turn out to be nearly as clear-cut in reality."

"You make a good point, sadly enough," Saturos said.

A few more Mini-Dullahans passed them.

"I wonder if Miss Jen's calling them. Could the stampede be that bad?" Felix tapped his fingers against the armrest of his chair.

At this point, a large crowd of Minis walked past the door, their swords out. The three watched them walk by, and Felix turned to Alex and Saturos with raised eyebrows.

Saturos shrugged and waved a hand in the air. "She'll handle it," he said. "With all those Minis, how could she not? Care for another game, Felix?"

Alex sighed and rested his chin on one hand, watching the two play another game of chess.

A few minutes later, Miss Jen stormed back into the staff room, soaking wet and followed by a long line of Mini-Dullahans, who were comparing the memorabilia they had gotten from their first stampede oppression. Among the memorabilia were several pieces of fangirl clothing and a good number of fried hairs.

"Quite a few of the students have now met the Minis!" Miss Jen said, grinning. "But just to ensure that this magnitude of a stampede doesn't happen again, would one of you talk to Picard when he wakes up? Tell him he's not allowed to go swimming in the river anymore unless he talks to me about it first and takes a Mini with him?" She motioned to the Minis, who carried the unconscious Lemurian into the room and set him on the floor. His chest was bare; all the man wore was a tight-fitting pair of navy leggings.

"Um, yes, I'll talk to him about that," Felix said. "It was that bad, was it?"

Miss Jen scowled. "We have so many OBHL here that I could scream at him for just thinking of something stupid like that."

"Would it be improper to ask how he got knocked out?" Alex asked, fiddling with a lock of his hair.

"Well, the fact that so many fangirls were swarming him at once didn't help much. They must have somehow pushed him under the surface of the river for long enough that he passed out. I'm sure he'll be fine though. He'll probably come around in a half-hour, maybe more. When he does, give him my message. Oh, also, tell him to stay in the staff wing for the rest of the day. I have to go change." Miss Jen whirled around. Her cloak, under normal circumstances, might have done something dramatic like fly out into the air and give the impression that she was Powerful, Intimidating and Very Important. Under the circumstances, though, all the drenched cloak did was make an odd splatting sound as it smacked against her legs.

Soon she was gone.

"Well, I think it's safe to say that I'll wait until she's in a better mood to talk to her about PEST," Felix said. "The first day of orientation week—not even classes, but _orientation week—_and we have a stampede. I guess that's bound to make anyone upset."

Alex sighed and looked down at Picard. "Sadly, this is going to be only the first of the problems we're going to have to deal with." He looked up. "May Fate have mercy on us all."

"Amen," Felix and Saturos chorused. Felix glanced down at the chessboard and sighed.

"We can only hope that at some points, the students will understand that we're only trying to help them."

"So, Felix, what's this pest you keep mentioning?" Alex asked.

"P-E-S-T. It's a program Isaac and I came up with to help control the creation of Mary Sues and Gary Stues. Saturos helped with some of the aspects of it."

"What good am I as a villain if I can't be a little maniacal every now and again?" Saturos grinned.

"Anyway, the whole basis of it is that there's a large number of students who have written Mary Sues, and . . ."

Picard groaned and sat up, rubbing his head.

"That was sooner than expected," Saturos said. "Miss Jen didn't expect you up for at least another fifteen minutes."

"I'm different from most people, remember," Picard replied. He rubbed his head with one hand. "I should have known better. The instant I step into the river, fangirls came out of nowhere! They materialized from the very trees! They rose from the ground like zombies!"

The other three staff members exchanged glances. "You're exaggerating, Picard. I believe we all would if we had an experience like yours," Alex said. "Oh, and Miss Jen said that you're not permitted to swim outdoors anymore without talking to her first. And she wants you to stay in the staff wing for the rest of the day."

"It's not like I'd go out there again of my own accord," Picard said. "Not before getting some clothes on, anyway." He rubbed his arms. "I'll talk to you later. I think I have a suggestion for your Villainy 101, Saturos."

"Delighted to hear it. Just come talk to me anytime."

Picard got up and walked out, Felix and Saturos returned their attention to their chess game, and Alex shrugged and vanished into thin air.

* * *

**Author's Notes**

--I had to decide on what to call the Lemurian, and since most applicants marked Picard as their preferred name, that is what I'll call him in narration from now on. Unless I write a POV chapter, in which he'll be referred to as whichever name that character prefers.


	4. The Wrath of Roommates and Minis

**New characters this chapter:**

Susie Johnson, submitted by Vyctori

Tabby, submitted by Lady Skysong

* * *

**Chapter 4:**

The Wrath of Roommates and Minis

"It's not fair!" Karrie huffed. "You got to listen to Isaac! My Isaac spoke, and you listened to him, and that stupid Alex knocked me out!"

Tammi sighed. "Don't call Alex stupid! Besides, it was _you_ who tried to stampede Isaac, so it's only fitting that you're the one who got knocked out."

"It's still not fair." Karrie let out a few huffy breaths.

The group was being herded toward the dormitories by a group of rather plain-looking townspeople who called themselves the GTs. Tammi didn't like them much. For one thing, none of them were half as pretty as Alex or Picard. And they all seemed rather dull.

Tammi glanced up to see how much further the dormitories were, just to see that the lead GTs had come to a stop. A few bleeding girls were limping toward the dorms.

"What do you think happened?" one GT asked the one beside him.

"Looks like the Minis got to stop their first stampede," the other responded. "I imagine those authors are some of the ones who got off lucky. Poor Mia and Alex are probably swamped with injured students to heal."

"Injured fangirl students, no less. I feel sorry for Alex."

"Umm, I hate to be rude, but what are you talking about?" Tammi asked. "What stampede? And what's a Mini?"

The two GTs glanced at each other and grinned. "You'll find out soon enough!" they chorused before turning back around and starting toward the dormitories again. They soon caught up with a few of the straggling authors from the stampede, and Tammi grabbed one by the shoulder.

"Don't touch that! It hurts!" The girl let out a shriek as she pushed Tammi's hand off of her shoulder.

"We just want to know what happened," Karrie said. "The GTs were saying something about a stampede."

The author, who had curly brown hair and light blue eyes, got a dreamy look on her face. "Yeah," she said. "It was worth it, though. I got a piece of the clothes he left on the shore!" She held out a scrap of purple fabric.

Karrie and Tammi glanced at each other, both raising their eyebrows. "I beg your pardon, but I don't understand what you mean," Tammi said at last. "What was all worth it? Whose clothes did you rip?"

The other girl let out a lovesick sigh. "Why, Picard of course! He's just so . . . so . . . _oh!_ He's just . . . I can't help it. I saw him head toward the river while I was walking to the dormitories, and I thought it wouldn't hurt to just take a little detour and get an autograph! And I got there, and saw him swimming—_shirtless!_" She let out a little squeal. "I couldn't help it! I pounced on him!"

"Picard was swimming, shirtless, and I missed it!" Tammi groaned, bringing a hand to her forehead.

"I know!" Karrie sighed. "He's not as sexy as Isaac, but still . . . ! Had I only been there!"

"Well, the problem is that at the same time I tackled, so did every Picard-luster within a 200-foot radius," the girl said. "And then Miss Jen came, and she had these horrible _things_ with her."

"What kind of things?"

"She had an army of miniature Dullahans with her!" the girl said. She whimpered as she touched her shoulder wound. "I'm lucky to be alive!"

Tammi's eyes might have fallen out of her head if they were not properly held in. "Dullahans? An army of them? But how . . . ?"

"She called them Minis," the girl said. "And they all had really weird names, like Ivn and Merdani and such."

Tammi shuddered. Dullahans. This was not good. The real thing was bad enough, but an army of tiny ones?

"Don't believe we've met," the girl said at last. "My name's Tabby. Who are you?"

"I'm Karrie, and this is Tammi," Karrie said. "So, are you sure you'll be all right?"

"Yeah. I didn't get caught, luckily, and I'm not like those poor students who got Downed and teleported to the Sanctum. I don't even want to think of what trouble they'll get in once they're Revived."

Tammi realized something. "There aren't any rivers in the crater! Where were you at?"

Tabby winced. "Well, maybe saying I took a _bit_ of a detour was an understatement."

"You went off-campus? But there are monsters out there! You could have been killed!" Karrie interrupted.

"I ran from every monster I found. It's not a big deal." Tabby got that dreamy expression again. "And besides, it was all worth it to get to see Picard shirtless!"

"Yes, I think you said that already," Karrie replied. "Though I can admit I'm more than a bit jealous. What I wouldn't give to see Isaac without a shirt!"

"Or Alex!" Tammi added. All three girls sighed, content in their own warped fantasies.

It took them a few minutes to realize that the group of other students and GTs had left them behind. As soon as they did notice, they hurried to catch up.

"The room assignments are listed on the door of the building, right?" Tabby asked. "I hope I didn't get shoved in a room with a Felix-hater. They annoy me."

"I hate Felix," Tammi muttered under her breath, hoping that Tabby didn't hear. She wasn't quite that lucky, though, and she had to plug her ears to block out Tabby's shriek.

"You-hate-Felix-how-can-you-hate-Felix-I-can't-believe-you-you-Felix-hater-you-how-could-you-possibly-hate-Felix-it-makes-no-sense—"

"Is there any way to shut her up?" Karrie muttered, covering her own ears as well.

"What?" Tammi asked, unable to hear over Tabby's voice.

Karrie rolled her eyes, then turned to Tabby, who was still ranting. "So, Tabby, how'd you fill out the form?"

Tabby calmed almost instantly. "As a Lemurian, of course."

Tammi raised one eyebrow. "You don't _look_ Lemurian."

"Yeah, well, at least I don't look like a Mary Sue!" Tabby replied, drawing her lips into a snarl.

"How dare you call Vynna a Mary Sue! She is not!"

"Prove it!"

"She loves Alex!"

"That just means she is a Mary Sue, moron!"

"Well, she's shy! And she hates fighting! And she doesn't want to admit she loves Alex!"

"Oh, great, one of _those_ Sues!"

"Quit calling Vynna a Sue!"

Karrie had closed her eyes for a moment, but now opened them and blinked as she stopped walking. "Ummm, guys . . ."

They paid her no heed and kept walking, glaring at each other as they did.

"I suppose she's some stupid half-breed or something as well?" Tabby demanded.

"Guys . . ." Karrie tried again.

"Look, just because Vynna is half-lycanthrope-half-angel doesn't mean she's a Sue!"

"Guys! Hey!"

"And since when did—oof!"

Both Tabby and Tammi ran into the wall of the dormitory at the same time. They had been so distracted talking to each other that they hadn't been watching where they were going.

"I tried to warn you." Karrie shook her head.

"Owwww." Tammi stepped back and rubbed her forehead. "That really hurt!"

Tabby winced. "Great, now I'm going to have bruises on my head to accompany all the other ones all over my body. Good to know." She sighed. "Look, let's make a truce. At least we can agree that Picard is sexy, right?"

"Right!" Tammi nodded and held out a hand. "So a truce it is, then!"

Tabby took her hand and shook it rather hesitantly, her lips drawing back slightly as if she would make a run for it at any second. "Well, I guess we'd better find out where we're rooming at." She turned and walked toward the dormitory's large glass doors, which had pieces of parchment tied to the wall beside them. A cluster of students was already gathered around the parchment, talking loudly to one another and exchanging room numbers.

Karrie jumped, trying to get a peek over the crowd. "I can't see anything!"

"If you'll just hold on, we can push our way to the front," Tabby said. "Just calm down. It's not like it'll be the end of the world if you don't find out your room number right away."

Sure enough, they had soon found their way to the front of the crowd and were gazing at the list.

"Tabby, room 317," Tabby said. "Tammi Holmes, room 322. Karrie, room 303."

"I wonder what she's like," Karrie muttered. "I hope she likes Isaac! Then we can compare fanarts of him!" She squealed.

"I hope mine likes Picard, too," Tabby said. "Then again, I don't know how anyone could _not_ like Picard . . ." She got that dreamlike expression once again and let out a sigh.

"Well, I guess we'd better go meet our roommates, huh?" Tammi said after a pause. "It looks like we're all on the same floor, so at the very least, we can visit one another from time to time!"

"It looks like all the boys are on the second floor," Karrie said. "That's fine, I guess. After all, guys don't get how dreamy Isaac is!" She squealed a second time.

"I'm going to my room now," Tammi said. "I'll come visit you guys later." She waved at them and walked into the building, where she was made to climb a few flights of stairs to reach the third floor. She pushed open the door of room 322.

She was absolutely paralyzed for an instant before she dropped to her knees in amazement and horror.

Fanarts of a blue-skinned Proxan covered one of the walls, many of them portraying him in rather compromising positions. It was painfully obvious that Tammi's roommate was a Saturos fan.

What truly horrified Tammi was one of the smaller pictures on the wall, which was a drawing of Alex with a large red X covering him. "Die, Alex, die!" was scribbled in the corner of the picture.

"I'm rooming with an Alex-hater!" she cried. "And she likes _Saturos_, of all people!"

"You got a problem with it?" a voice behind her asked. Tammi sniffed and glanced over one shoulder to see a girl with blonde hair that nearly dragged the floor and blue eyes. The girl had apparently heard Tammi's outburst and did not appear to be very happy with what had been said.

"You must be Tammi Holmes, my roommate," the girl snorted. It was then that Tammi took a closer look at her. She was wearing a sleeveless dress, revealing odd scale-like formations on her shoulders. Her skin was a faint pink color, and masklike markings were on her face. Her ears were swept into sharp points.

"You're a Proxan!" Tammi said, her eyes widening.

The girl grinned. "I know, isn't it great? I never thought that claiming I was Proxan on that form would have worked!"

"Tabby did say she was Lemurian, though she didn't really look the part," Tammi muttered to herself. She halfway wished that she had written down Vynna's half-lycanthrope-half-angel as her race, but it was a bit late for that now. She was stuck as a human.

"Anyway, I guess introductions are in order. I'm Susan Johnson, the Lady of the Flaxen Tresses," the girl said, rubbing one of her scaled shoulders with her right hand. "And you are?"

"Tammi Holmes, as you've guessed." Tammi debated on whether or not to tell the other girl her penname, then decided that the truth would come out eventually anyway. "Also known as alexluvr4eva."

Susie raised her eyebrows, and her mouth moved silently for a few moments. She finally found her voice and said," Great. An Alex-luster. Just what I always wanted in a roommate." Her voice was streaked through with sarcasm.

"It's not like I asked to be rooming with a Saturos-luster, either." Tammi got to her feet and folded her arms, wrinkling her nose in Susie's direction. "How can you possibly lust after him?" She waved a hand at the pictures on Susie's side of the room. "He's evil!"

"You know, I could say the same thing for Alex!" Susie replied, narrowing her eyes. "I mean, who was it that manipulated everyone else in the entire game? At least Saturos had his reasons for doing what he did!"

"So did Alex!" Tammi shouted, unfolding her arms and putting her hands on her hips. She snarled at Susie.

"I'll argue that point until the day I die!"

"And I'll argue my side until the day _I_ die!"

"Forget it. I don't even see why I'm wasting my time talking to an Alex-luster." Susie tossed her hair—or rather, attempted to toss her hair. Tossing hair is very difficult when it reaches the floor. "I have better things to do. Like figure out how to find my dear Satty-chan and have him declare his love for me!" Susie's face got a look similar to Tabby's when Picard was mentioned.

Tammi sighed and walked into the room. The words "sardine can" would have flattered it as far as size went. She couldn't imagine living and sleeping so close to a Saturos-lover. One that hated Alex, no less. But there was little that could be done. Miss Jen had said that there would be no switching of rooms, or the Minis would punish the students. After hearing Tabby talk about the Minis, Tammi had decided that it was best to avoid that situation.

Susie had walked off down the hallway, and Tammi, much to her relief, was alone in the room. She opened her tiny closet to find her luggage crammed within it.

"I might as well unpack," she sighed. "It looks like I'm going to be here for quite a while."

With that, she pulled her luggage out of the closet and began putting her things away.


	5. Psynergy, Schedules, and Random Plothole...

**New characters this chapter:**

Wing Sarten

Joe Stampist

**Chapter 5: **

Psynergy, Schedules, and Random Plotholes

* * *

Tammi's awakening on her second day at OFUW was not pleasant.

There were no alarm clocks allowed on OFUW campus, as that sort of technology didn't exist in medieval times, so instead, Miss Jen had Master Hama use a special Psynergy that sent a buzz over the entire campus at sunrise. The assistant headmistress had informed them of it at dinner last night, warning them that it may be a little loud.

By "a little loud," Miss Jen meant an ear-piercing, gut-wrenching screech that most likely could have woken the dead. Tammi and Susie had awoken at the exact same moment, glared at each other, and spent about five minutes arguing over whose alarm clock it was before they woke up enough to realize that it was what Miss Jen had warned them about. Susie grabbed a bathrobe and flung it over her shoulders, muttering about a shower. Tammi took a few more minutes to get her things together, and as a result had to wait in line to bathe.

When she finally finished, she ran down to the cafeteria to find most of the breakfast food gone. She managed to snag some of what remained: a few muffins and a piece of dry toast. Stuffing the muffins, which were blueberry and tasted somewhat odd, into her mouth, she searched for a seat and finally spotted one at the back of the cafeteria. Making her way over, she mumbled something through a mouthful of muffin.

The two boys on either side of the chair looked up at her, one raising his eyebrows while the other seemed to be suppressing laughter.

"What was that?" the one on the right asked. He was the one who was staring at her rather skeptically.

She swallowed. "Can I sit down here?"

"Pfff, like I care," he said, turning away and shrugging. "Sit, go ahead. Anything to keep me from talking to _him._" He shot a glare at the other boy.

"Aw, come on, Wing, have some fun, why don't you?"

"That's Wing Sarten to you, and I'm too busy trying to figure out how to get a new roommate to have any fun."

The other boy, who had maroon hair and gold eyes, busied himself with buttering his toast. "Look, just because you don't like the name Piers—"

The first boy, Wing Sarten, cringed. "It's _Picard._"

"—and you don't like the ending to TLA doesn't mean we can't get along. I mean, we both hate Kraden, after all," the maroon-haired boy finished. He turned to Tammi and held out one hand. "I'm Joe Stampist, by the way."

"Tammi Holmes, and it's nice to meet you." Tammi shook the offered hand and cautiously sat down. "So, you're Wing Sarten, right?" she asked the first boy, who had spiky brown hair and blue eyes.

He rolled his eyes. "And I suppose you figured that out all on your own, did you?"

"Wing, come on, be nice." Joe glared at his roommate.

Wing Sarten rolled his eyes. "Why? I'm in a university with a bunch of morons, rooming with a guy who likes the ending to TLA and the name Piers," he shuddered at the mention of the name, "and that noise that woke us up today certainly didn't put me in the best of spirits. And quit calling me Wing."

"What would you prefer I called you? Sarten?"

"I'd prefer you call me 'sir,' but that's up to you," Wing Sarten said. It was Joe's turn to roll his eyes. Wing—Tammi didn't dare call him that aloud, but it was so much easier to think of him as Wing—leaned back in his chair and grinned at his own wit.

"So, uh, Wing—I mean, Wing Sarten—" Tammi started.

"Oh no, it's fine for you to call me Wing. It's just my stupid roommate who can't call me that."

Joe snarled and muttered a word under his breath before taking a bite of his toast.

"All right then, Wing, what are you in here for?"

"Not a clue, honestly," Wing said, leaning back. "I know for a fact that my fanfiction is better than a lot of the crap that gets published nowadays. Like that one Alex-loving Mary Sue . . . I can't remember the name of the fic right now, but it was awful."

Tammi cringed inwardly, but forced a grin. "Heh, well . . ."

"How about you?"

"Um . . . for writing an Alex-loving Mary Sue."

Wing stared at her for a minute, then shook his head and laughed. "And here I was thinking how much you looked like a Sue. Even I'm regretting how I listed my hair." He touched one of the spikes of his hair. "See, it's hard as rock. It never comes out of the spikes anymore. Makes sleeping a pain, I can tell you."

Tammi didn't even try to imagine the shape Wing's poor pillow must be in. "Well gee, that stinks," she managed to say, returning her attention to her muffins. "So, either of you have any idea what we're supposed to do today?"

Joe swallowed. "I think we get our class schedules and books today," he said. "You'll never believe this, but it's rumored that one of the classes is starting on Thursday!"

"I wonder how that little scrap of information got out," a deep voice above the three said. Tammi cringed at the sound of the voice; she knew it too well from her previous encounter with its owner.

Joe looked up, and his eyes widened. "Saturos? But aren't you dead?"

"In the canon plotline, yes. In this university, however, I am a significant character in the game. Therefore, I am also a teacher." He smirked. "And let me assure you, my class will not be fun for you wretches."

Wing rolled his eyes yet again. "Oh, please. Give me a break. Like I'm really going to be afraid of you."

Saturos narrowed his eyes. "I hope you're not a Stu writer."

"Gary Stus? Me? Don't insult me." Wing took a bite of a donut.

Saturos snorted and turned around, his cape flying out in the air behind him as he walked away.

"Do you think every breakfast will be like this?" Joe asked. "With characters showing up to intimidate us?"

"I just hope it's never Isaac," Tammi said. "You saw what happened at the opening assembly."

"It could have been worse," Wing said. "It might have been Jenna. She's very popular with us men, you know."

Tammi looked at him.

He shook his head. "Are you kidding? Me, a Jenna luster? Not a chance. You insult me."

"A lot of things tend to insult Wing," Joe whispered to Tammi. She nodded, inspected her toast, and decided it wasn't half as appealing now as it had been before. She left it sitting on the table and stood up.

"Well, it was very nice to meet both of you," she said. "Maybe we'll have some classes together."

"Most likely," Wing said.

"We'll see you again, then." Joe waved at her as she walked into the hallway.

"G'morning, Tammi."

Tammi jumped a bit at the greeting and turned to see Karrie rubbing her eye and yawning. She looked like she hadn't gotten any sleep at all.

"What's wrong?"

"Well, my roommate and I . . ."

"Don't tell me. You were up all night arguing, weren't you?"

"Well, about whether or not Felix is cute. She likes him a lot. I don't get it."

"I see. So everyone got horrible roommates, then?"

"Not quite," Karrie said. "We _did_ do a lot of talking about how cute Picard is . . ."

Tammi groaned. "Wait a minute, so you actually get along with your roommate?"

Karrie winced. "Kind of. She calls Picard by his horrible English name, and she . . . she can't stand Isaac! How dumb is that?"

Tammi grinned at the knowledge that she wasn't the only one suffering, but sighed anyway. "It's not fair. How come I get roomed with someone who absolutely hates Alex, but loves Saturos and—ugh!—Felix, but you get to room with a fellow Picard-luster?"

Karrie shrugged. "She prefers Felix, but yeah. That's life."

"You're only saying that because you got the good end of the deal!" Tammi shrieked.

"Oh, quit screaming. We get our class schedules today; didn't you hear?"

"Well, some guys I met at breakfast were saying that, but why is that so important?"

"Quit being such a downer, Tammi. Didn't you hear what Miss Jen said in the opening assembly? The classes are being taught by the characters! I'm going to get to listen to Isaac! And be graded on it!" Karrie got the same look Tabby had when thinking of Picard, a look known among the staff as the "fangirl-eye."

Tammi thought about this for a moment, then salivated happily at the thought of taking classes from Alex and Picard. Her fantasies of Alex declaring love to her, however, were interrupted when she realized that if she was taking classes from Alex and Picard, then Saturos had been serious when he mentioned his class earlier. And she'd be taking classes from that icky Felix as well. Ewwwwww.

She managed to suppress the thought and instead turned to talk to Karrie again. "So where do we pick them up? And when?"

"I don't have the slightest idea," Karrie said. "I'm also kind of wondering something. Tammi, what kind of Adept did you write yourself down as?"

"Jupiter, why?"

"Have you tried using any psynergy?"

"No, why? Have you?"

"Well, I'm Mercury, so it'd be different for me, but I can't seem to get it to work."

"That's because you haven't trained it," a voice behind them said. They turned to see a short blonde boy, his arms crossed as he leaned against the wall. A staff rested beside him.

"Ivan?" Karrie said.

"Yes, that's my name. Don't wear it out." Ivan was looking at them, and Tammi found it hard to believe that the "midget," as she had called him on occasion, could look so murderous.

"As I was saying," Ivan continued, "you can't possibly use psynergy because you haven't trained an ounce in your entire life. Even I had to train my abilities before I could use them. I wasn't born knowing how to use psynergy."

"But—but—what about people like Feizhi?" Tammi asked, stumbling on the pronunciation.

"Feizhi is a special case. All she can do is predict the future, and that's not necessarily something you can command even as a master Adept. I have yet to experience a vision, and Sheba doesn't get them often. As for others, like Eoleo and Uzume, the types of psynergy they knew were the bare minimum. Things like Catch and Move aren't hard to master."

"Well, well, what about Miss Jen and the others?"

"You think they just started training? They've been here for months, training so that they would be able to handle you. Apparently Miss Jen struck a deal with the Wise One to grant the staff and students psynergy during the year. But even though Miss Jen and her friends are Adepts, and even though they've been training for months, they only know some of the more basic psynergies. They couldn't cast Spark Plasma or Pyroclasm on you, though I imagine they'd like to very much."

Ivan pushed off of the wall and picked up his staff. "Anyway, your schedules will be handed out at lunch in the cafeteria. Take care that you don't miss any of your first days—some of us tend to get very nasty if you do." He smirked, then turned and walked away. "I'll see you in class," he called.

Tammi shrugged and looked over at Karrie, who also shrugged. They walked outside and spent the time between breakfast and lunch exploring the OFUW buildings. When the lunch bell rang, they headed back to the cafeteria to pick up their schedules. Luckily, there wasn't much of a line yet, as most of the students had decided to eat first and get their schedules later.

So, Karrie and Tammi soon stood in the lunch line, looking over their schedules.

"What do you have?" Karrie asked.

"Here, swap me schedules and we'll compare."

They swapped schedules and quickly looked over each other's courses.

"Friday is 'character intensive day.' I wonder what that could mean," Tammi said.

"Well, don't you remember what you have written on your form?"

"Yeah, kind of. Why?"

"Well, according to this, your character-intensive classes on Fridays are 'The Nature of Goodness' and 'Being a Jupiter Adept.' You filled out the form as a good-aligned Jupiter Adept, right?

"Oh, I see. I guess that makes sense." Tammi continued looking over Karrie's schedule. "Hey, wait a minute!"

"What?"

"It says that Villainy 101 starts on Thursday, like the boys this morning were saying! Not only that, but it starts at five o' clock AM!"

"Well, I think that's downright villainous." It became painfully obvious that Karrie was very good at stating the painfully obvious.

"But today's Tuesday, and I haven't even gotten any of my books yet!"

"I don't think you'll need to get your books," Karrie said. She leaned back, holding Tammi's schedule out. Tammi took it and handed Karrie her own. "You see," Karrie continued, "I was talking to some people who have heard of the original OFU."

"What?"

"OFUM. The Official Fanfiction University of Middle-Earth. The mother of all other fanfiction universities." Karrie folded her schedule up and shoved it in a pocket of her jeans—luckily for the students, they had been allowed to keep their clothes, even if they were noncanonical. "What all of them have told me is that you don't find the books—the books find you."

"That's like a really lame ghost story, Karrie."

"Well, I never said you'd believe it. But apparently, that's how things go in all the universities," Karrie said. She looked up. "Well, actually I'm not very hungry. I'm going to skip lunch today. I'll see you later." She turned and walked off.

Tammi thought for a minute, decided she wasn't really hungry either, and turned to sprint after Karrie. "Karrie, wait up!" she yelled. Karrie started to turn around. Tammi smiled, and then had the very odd sensation of the floor underneath her giving way.

She fell into the hole with a rather loud scream, and Karrie ran over to try to help her out. But as suddenly as it had appeared, the hole Tammi had vanished into closed.

"Stupid plotholes," Karrie muttered.


	6. Escaping Plotholes and Villainy 101

**New Characters this Chapter:**

Shane

**Chapter 6: **

Escaping Plotholes and Villainy 101

* * *

The first thing Tammi realized when she came to was that it was very, very hot.

The second thing she realized was that her mouth was full of sand.

She sat up, coughing out the sand in her mouth, and looked around. Endless desert met her eyes, with some orange cliffs in the distance.

"You're up." Tammi looked up to see a man standing over her, holding out a hand to help her up. She coughed again and took his hand.

"Who are you? Where are we?" she asked as he pulled her to her feet.

"Well, my name's Shane," he said. "As for where we are, I haven't the slightest idea. I just fell into some kind of hole and ended up here. It looks an awful lot like the Lamakan Desert, doesn't it?" He gestured toward a circle of stones a small distance away.

"It does, but at the same time it doesn't," Tammi said. "For one thing, while it is hot, I certainly don't feel my strength being sapped out of me."

"Yeah, me neither," Shane said, running a hand through his slightly curly brown hair. "Then again, I'm not an Adept, so what do I know?"

"Well, let's just find a way out of here as fast as we can," Tammi said. "I don't like it here at all."

"I don't know anybody who would," Shane said. "So, let's get going." He turned and headed for the distant orange cliffs. Tammi followed.

"You said you're not an Adept?" she asked.

"Nope. Didn't sign up as one on the form. Seems like it doesn't matter much, as none of the so-called Adepts can use psynergy anyway." He stopped beside the circle of stones and inspected it.

"What is it?" Tammi asked.

"Well, I was just thinking that if you were a Jupiter Adept and had any training, Reveal might come in handy here. But if not . . ." He shrugged. "I doubt you'd know Reveal even if you were a Jupiter Adept."

"I _am_ one, and I _do_ know Reveal!" Tammi bluffed.

He raised an eyebrow. "Well, then, by all means, go on and show me." He gestured.

Tammi focused all her mental energy on Reveal. Vynna knew Reveal! And Vynna was her creation, so why shouldn't she know Reveal?

_Please, please, please work,_ she prayed silently, closing her eyes. _Please, please work. I know I can do this._

She opened her eyes and flung her arms out in front of her. She then pointed upward, doing her best to look dramatic.

"Reveal!" she yelled.

There was silence as absolutely nothing happened.

Shane sighed. "I should have guessed. I was hoping that might have been a way out, but even if it was, we'll have to find a different one now." He turned and continued walking.

Tammi jogged to catch up with him and glared. "Well, at least I tried!"

"Yes, you did, and that's admirable. But it still doesn't get us anywhere. Hurry up." He kept walking.

Tammi pouted for a few minutes, but stopped when she realized that Shane was paying absolutely no attention to her. "This isn't fair at all," she muttered.

"Life isn't fair. Deal with it," Shane said. He glanced at her out of the corner of his eye. "Dare I ask what's wrong with your hair?"

Tammi sulked. "I wrote down raven-black, and they did _this_," she said, pulling a few feathers from her hair.

There was silence for a moment as Shane stared at the feathers. The silence was broken when he started laughing hysterically.

"Shut up! It's not funny!" Tammi felt herself turning red.

Shane snorted, then continued laughing as the two walked.

"Well, what about you, mister? What's your problem?"

"Me? I don't have one! I described myself pretty well, using the right words as I did so, so I got off easy. Unlike you." He stifled another laugh.

Tammi sulked. "It's not funny."

The rest of the distance to the nearest cliff was spent in silence. When they finally did reach the cliff, a small opening was in it. The two walked in to find that a puzzle awaited them.

"Oh, this is _stupid!_" Tammi cried, throwing her arms into the air. "What, are we supposed to be imitating Golden Sun here?"

Shane was pushing a pillar toward a switch on the other side of the room. "Would you shut up and help me here?" he asked.

Tammi glared at him, but walked over and helped him push, despite herself. The pillar soon pushed down the switch, and the two heard a door opening somewhere above them.

"This is great," Tammi muttered. "Now we have to move something else around, don't we? Or hit some other stupid switch, or use Psynergy we don't even have . . ."

"Would you stop feeling sorry for yourself?" Shane shook his head and walked over to a vine against the far wall. He started to climb. "It doesn't look like there are any more puzzles to solve, so quit whining and hurry up, you!"

"My name's Tammi!" she yelled after him. She started climbing the vine as well, and reached the top to find him waiting for her.

"Well, _Tammi_, if a little puzzle like that gets you so frustrated, I have to wonder how you even made it through both Golden Sun games." He pointed toward another door which awaited them. "Let's go."

Tammi stuck her tongue out and hurried to the door, anxious to be the first one in.

When she entered the room, she could see light flickering off of many tiny swords. One sword raised into the air, and Tammi saw a bolt of energy screaming through the air toward her. She tried to run, but felt it cut into her.

Saying "it hurt a lot" would not have done the pain justice.

She blacked out again.

"Mia, we've got two more."

Mia finished washing her hands, and walked back to where Alex stood, looking over the beds where Downed students appeared, ready for Revival. A male and a female had appeared, both appearing to have suffered under multiple Mini Formina Sages. The boy had somewhat curly brown hair and looked more normal than most of the other students. The girl, on the other hand, seemed to be molting from her head; several black feathers were in her same-colored hair. A few of the feathers fell onto the bed and floor.

"Two more," Mia muttered. "And it's only Wednesday. This is ridiculous." She fished a Water of Life out of her bag, and walked over to the female student. Alex didn't need Water of Life—the quintessence of Alchemy was rather useful that way—so he just walked over to the male and cast Revive.

The boy, Shane, was the first to stir. "Ouch," he managed. "I don't think I even want to know what that was."

"I'd guess it was an attack from one of the Minis," Alex said. "They seem to be the most common reason for Downed students ending up here."

"Oh, so _that's_ what those things in the cave were," Shane said, nodding. "It was too dark to see, so I wondered."

"Cave?" Alex frowned for a moment, then nodded. "I see. Got caught in a plothole, did you?"

"Yes. How'd you know?"

Alex was about to reply, but instead made a choking noise when the female student latched herself around his neck.

"Miss, let go this instant!" Mia yelled, grabbing the girl by the ankles and pulling. The girl only tightened her grip, however, and Alex let out another choking noise.

"Tammi, let go of him!" Shane said, shaking his head and tugging at the girl's arms.

Alex shook his head, gritting his teeth, and closed his eyes, clearly focusing. Mia stepped back a good distance, and Shane followed suit, quickly getting off of his bed and following Mia to the back of the Sanctum/infirmary. As Tammi tightened her grip even more, Alex winced again, but suddenly a jet of water hit the fangirl square in the chest, forcing her to let go as she was blown across the room.

"Ow!" she said as she hit the floor a distance away from Alex.

Alex, meanwhile, was rubbing his neck. "Note to self: keep a Mini with you even when in the infirmary," he said. "That's happened one too many times for my liking."

"Well, it could be worse," Mia said. "We could have Picard in here, and then there'd be no end to the fangirls injuring themselves on purpose. I'm just glad we haven't had many male students in here yet."

"Yes, well, you are rather well-liked," Alex said, standing up and rubbing his shoulder with one hand. "Whereas most of the people who come in here either cringe at the sight of me or start cussing when I enter the room."

Tammi said up and opened her mouth.

"Don't say a word, girl," Alex said. "Yes, I _know_ I have fangirls, as you've obviously just proven. Now stay away from me."

Tammi pouted.

"Anyway," Alex said, looking at Shane, "what I was saying is that the Mini-Dullahans like to inhabit the areas they find in plotholes. The Mini's aren't all here all the time, or there'd probably be more of them than there are students. But the plotholes you find around campus all lead to a place we call the Nonexistent Plane."

Shane raised an eyebrow. "And? It seemed like we were in the Lamakan Desert when we landed there."

"Then I'd guess you were in the Lamakran. Or maybe the Lamarkan. Do you see where this is going?"

Shane winced. "As if Mini-Dullahans weren't enough, now we have to deal with plotholes leading to misspelled places as well?"

Mia laughed. "If you think that's all there is, you're bound to be unpleasantly surprised."

Tammi looked up. "Can I go back to my dorm now? I still have to get my books. Villainy 101 starts tomorrow."

"Ah, yes, Villainy 101," Alex said. "Saturos's class. It should be interesting. I think it was ingenious of him to start classes early."

"It's _evil!_" Tammi cried.

"Isn't that the point?" Mia asked. "Well, yes, you should be fine. Go on back to your room."

Tammi stood up and walked toward the door, then suddenly changed direction and leapt toward Alex. Alex's eyes widened, and he vanished in a few slivers of blue light, reappearing beside Mia on the other side of the room.

"Nice try," Alex said dryly as Tammi's head slammed into the wall.

Tammi groaned and sat down, putting her hands to her head. "Alex, heal me?" she begged, her eyes big and wet with tears.

"It's a bump," Alex said, wrinkling his nose. "You can deal with it on your own." He glanced at Mia. "Call me if you need me." With that, he vanished.

Tammi began to bawl, and Mia, feeling sorry for the fangirl despite herself, cast a quick Ply on the bump. Tammi's crying, however, did not subside, and Mia was forced to shove her outside while still sobbing.

"This job gets worse by the minute," she said.

"I can't begin to imagine," Shane said. Mia glanced at him. Shane shrugged. "I'll show myself out."

He left.

"Good morning, class! How are we today?"

A chorus of groans answered Saturos. Five AM was really far too early, according to the students. A good number of them hadn't even shown up yet.

"Welcome to Villainy 101," Saturos continued. "This is a mandatory class during your time here at OFUW. In this class you'll learn what it means to be a villain. Every other week, we will have a guest lecture by one of my fellow Proxans or by Alex. And before any of you ask, _no_, the Wise One will not be teaching. He's not evil enough."

Tammi spotted Susie, who was sitting across the room, raising her hand and looking rather infuriated.

"Yes, what is it?" Saturos turned to her and folded his arms.

"The Wise One is evil, though! I mean, he basically killed Agatio and Karst—"

"Because they were a threat to what he believed," Saturos cut in. "The Wise One believed that mankind would cause the downfall of Weyard if Alchemy was unleashed, so he had to try and stop anyone who would release it."

"Well, what about what he did to Isaac, Felix, and Jenna's parents?" Susie stammered.

"For the same reason," Saturos said. "Now if you'd be so kind, I'd like to continue with the lecture." Susie pouted when Saturos turned away.

"As I was saying, there will be a guest lecture every other Tuesday. If you hadn't noticed, this class meets twice a week, because you people are just that horrid at writing villains. So, first of all, we have a pop quiz."

There was much shock at this news, and Karrie stood up from where she sat beside Tammi. "That's not fair!" she said. "How were we supposed to know that we had reading to do for the first day of class?"

Saturos grinned crookedly. "We are having a pop quiz," he repeated, "on the first ten chapters of _What__ it Means to be a Villain._ I hope you're all prepared."

With that, he began walking up and down the isles, handing out stacks of paper. The Mini-Dullahan following him around was enough to deter most of his fangirls, but a stubborn few—Susie among them—tried anyway, and either vanished to the Sanctum for Revival, or retreated to their seats with nicely-sized cuts and bruises covering their bodies.

Saturos retreated to the podium and said, "You may begin."

Tammi stared blankly at the paper before her, clicking her mechanical pencil nervously.

_1. What is the defining trait of a true villain?_

_2. Name five ways to give yourself the title of "One of the Greatest Villains Ever."_

_3. Write the Villain's Oath in the space given below._

Tammi stared at the paper for several more minutes, understanding the next questions as little as she understood the first three.

When Saturos called that time was up, her paper was still blank. She looked at Karrie to see the girl staring down at her paper, equally as blank-faced as Tammi.

Stauros the Mini-Dullahan went around collecting the papers, a good number of which were completely blank, and handed them to Saturos. He flipped through them and smirked.

"It looks like not one of you managed to pass," Saturos said. "Well then, I guess class will be extra-long today."

This was met with groans.

"Well, now, I don't much like whining. Stauros, would you care to take out some of the noisier ones?"

A miniature True Collide hovered over several of the students. When it dispelled, the students had also vanished—they had likely been Downed and now needed Reviving.

The class went silent, and Stauros began patrolling the aisles, his tiny sword out as he looked around at the students. Saturos, meanwhile, narrowed his eyes.

"We'll begin with the laws of villainy," he said. "Repeat after me: I will justify my actions, no matter how bad the justification or actions may be."

The class mumbled something.

Saturos held a fireball in one hand. "I said _repeat it._"

"I will justify my actions, no matter how bad the justification or actions may be," the class repeated, suddenly aware that Saturos was dead serious about this.

He extinguished the fireball. "Now, does anyone care to tell me why this is important?"

"Well, _you_ did it," a Saturos-hater Tammi didn't know called.

Saturos grinned. "Exactly. But how did I do it?"

"You killed a bunch of people," the Saturos-hater, a Proxan girl with black hair and green eyes, said. "All those guards in the Suhalla and by Babi's lighthouse. You held Felix and Isaac's parents hostage, you blackmailed the original group into giving Felix the Shaman's Rod . . . let's see, what else?"

"I think that's enough," Saturos said. "Now, did I have good enough justification for these actions? That's debatable. All the same, I did them. Menardi and I killed several people on our way through the Suhalla and Babi Lighthouse. Those we didn't kill were injured quite severely. Do you all understand?"

There was more murmuring, and Saturos folded his arms. "Next law. Repeat after me: I will not be merciful to my enemies."

"But—but—but—" Susie started. "What about all the fanfics when you're portrayed as a good guy?"

"Those are _fanfics_ my dear author, and written better than anything you could manage. Here's a lesson you'll learn in Canon and You—if it is written _well_ enough, mucking with canon is somewhat acceptable, assuming Mary Sue isn't involved. But that's not my class to teach, so if you'll kindly _shut up and let me teach,_ I think things will go better for all of us."

The class continued until eight o' clock AM, though it was supposed to end at six. By the time it was over, a group of students stumbled out of the lecture hall, a ten-thousand word essay on how the laws of Villainy applied to Alex due by Tuesday.

Tammi was only starting to realize how awful this year was going to be.


	7. Canon is Not a Weapon of War

**Small Author's Note:** This chapter makes a brief allusion to Hawthorne's _The Scarlet Letter._ What you need to know is that the male lead has an "A"-shaped scar on his chest to mark something he has done.

On with the show.

**New Characters this Chapter:**

DarkHunter65

**Chapter 7:**

Canon is Not a Weapon of War

* * *

Before Tammi realized it, the weekend had come and gone. She had spent all her free time working Saturos's horrid assignment; how in the world was she supposed to write about Alex being a villain? He couldn't be a villain! Tammi knew better.

She could picture it now—him in awe at the sight of her, sinking to one knee and asking her to stay in Weyard forever, right beside him.

When she had mentioned that to Susie, the Proxan author had just raised an eyebrow and asked if he had done that in the Sanctum when she was Revived. Tammi admitted that he hadn't quite fallen flat at the sight of her, but she assured herself it was just because he was shy.

That _had_ to be the only reason he hadn't . . . right?

"Hurry up and get out of the door!" Susie called from right over Tammi's shoulder. "_Some_ of us have classes to get to, you know!"

That snapped Tammi out of her reverie. Not that it had been much of a reverie to begin with—more like torture as she pondered what awful classes she'd be put through today. Susie standing right behind her wasn't helping much, so she moved, pulling on her jacket as she walked down the hall of her dorm floor. She climbed down the stairs, Susie behind her, and managed to grab a bagel on her way to class.

She dug her schedule out of her pocket. "Let's see here, Canon and You is first on my schedule today. I wonder who's teaching."

"Hey, Tammi." She and Karrie had a lot of classes together, so they had decided to walk together to them.

"Hey, Karrie, you ready for class?"

"You bet I am," she said. "I heard that Isaac is teaching Canon and You! Finally, I get to listen to my Isaac-kins for a grade!"

"What if that's not true, though?" Tammi asked.

"Oh, I know it is!" Karrie let out a heaving sigh and drifted off into daydream. Tammi had to poke her pretty hard to snap her out of it.

They sat down beside each other in a large classroom, holding about 100 students at a time. Tammi knew this class had to be taught at various times—there were too many students at OFUW for it to make any sense otherwise.

Tammi looked around and spotted Susie across the room with a couple other Proxan girls. Shane was sitting in the back of the room, glancing around anxiously—_most likely to keep an eye out for Minis,_ Tammi decided. She wasn't exactly fond of the little beasts, either. Not after what had happened in the plot hole.

The door swung open, and Isaac stepped inside.

A stampede ensued. Luckily for Isaac, about half the stampeding students were taken out by the two Minis alongside him. Unfortunately for Isaac, the other half survived, and many were soon wrapped around him, squealing.

Tammi had been holding Karrie down. "Trust me, you don't want to go up there," Tammi hissed. "I've been Downed by a Mini before, and it hurts more than you can imagine."

Karrie struggled. "Anything is all right if I can touch Isaac!"

"You won't be saying that when you wake up sore in the Sanctum," Tammi said. "Believe me, I _still _feel sore after my run-in with them yesterday."

Karrie stopped squirming for a minute, thought about what Tammi had said, and then started struggling even more. "Let me get to Isaac!"

_"SIT! NOW!"_

Isaac's harsh yell scared the fangirls that had been clinging to him back to their seats, wide-eyed at the idea of their dear Isaac being—dare they say it? Dare they even _think _it?—a meanie.

He loosened the yellow scarf around his neck, suddenly much calmer than he had been a moment ago. "All right. There will be no more attempted stampedes in my class, are we clear? Some teachers are far less tolerant of it than I am, so it's best that you start controlling your urges now."

Karrie sank into her chair, defeated.

"Anyway," Isaac continued. "I'm Isaac, as you probably already know, and you're currently in Canon and You, the Monday: 10 AM section. The point of this class is to teach you all about the canon of Golden Sun and Golden Sun: The Lost Age. Can anyone in this room define canon for me?"

A girl in the back raised a hand.

"Yes, you," Isaac said, pointing.

"Isn't a canon a weapon of war?" She asked.

Isaac stared at her for a minute, then turned around and walked back to the podium, running one hand through his hair.

"Gods, this will be harder than I thought," he cursed. He turned back around. "I'm afraid that's not quite it."

"Are you sure?" the girl continued. "Because I can remember reading about how canons were used in various wars."

"That's _cannons._ Double N." Isaac turned to the blackboard behind him, picking up a piece of chalk and writing _canon_ in large block letters. ""Don't even bother asking if Weyard has it's own language. While at the university you'll be learning in English," he said. "All right, so can anyone tell me what canon—_C-A-N-O-N—_means?"

There was silence until Wing Sarten, who was sitting in the back, spoke up. "It's the stuff that makes up the original plotline."

Isaac nodded. "Exactly. Canon can also mean, according to the English dictionary, standard, norm, or law. Canon is basically the plotline—the norm—of Golden Sun as you saw it in the games. Now, today's lesson is on the beginning of the games. As in about the first hour of Golden Sun: Book One, as we call it on occasion."

Tammi groaned. "Not the hour-long cutscene!"

Isaac glared at her. "Yes, the hour-long cutscene, if that's what you want to call it. If you have so little patience for a 'video game,' as you call it, then I imagine you must have a _very_ hard time in your real world. Now quit whining and listen up. The boulder scene is one of the most important things that happens in the original Golden Sun. Can you people name some key points of the boulder scene?" He turned to the chalkboard again.

A chorus of voices came from various points in the room, a few rising above the rest.

"Meeting Garet."

"Meeting Jenna."

"Felix gets washed away."

"So do his parents and Isaac's father."

"You see Saturos and Menardi for the first time."

Isaac scribbled what they had said onto the board. "Good. You've missed some elements, but there's one rather large one you've missed that I'm looking for. Can anyone tell me what it is?" He turned to face them, running his hand through his hair again.

There was a period of silence before a girl's voice in the back said something so quietly that almost no one heard it.

"What was that?" Isaac said, looking around for the speaker. "Can you say that again?"

"Meeting Isaac, the main character," the girl repeated, louder this time. "Starting to see Weyard through Isaac's eyes."

Isaac nodded. "Exactly what I was looking for!" He turned to the rest of the class. "Now, I don't mean to sound like I'm bragging, but I _am_ the main character of the original game, so meeting and essentially _becoming_ me should be a pretty important moment, don't you think?" He smiled and continued his lecture.

An hour later, Tammi was gathering her things to go to her next class. The class period had passed very quickly; Isaac was a more interesting lecturer then she would have thought him to be.

"Now, let's go over this. What happened in the canon of the boulder incident, from start to finish? I want an outline of the major canonical events. Skip the details, like "Dora gives Isaac his tunic" or "boulders block the quickest way to the plaza." The assignment is due on Wednesday," Isaac finished just as the bell rang. He wiped some sweat from his forehead as the students poured out of the room.

A few fangirls gave him some glances as they left, but Isaic and Issic the Mini-Dullahans were so close to him that most of them decided glomping wouldn't be worth the pain they'd experience.

The fangirls who did attempt to glomp were promptly Downed, vanishing on the spot. Tammi wondered how many students Mia had in the Sanctum now.

Tammi walked down the hall, scanning her schedule. Karrie was right beside her, frowning at her own.

"The Science of Alchemy," Tammi muttered. "Room 142 . . ." She kept walking, scanning the signs hung over each classroom. Karrie said goodbye at room 131, walking into a classroom filled with maps. After a bit more walking, Tammi finally found room 142 and entered.

She nearly fainted when she saw who the teacher was.

"Hurry up, hurry up, sit down," Kraden said. "We don't have all day, and I have very little patience for you lot right now."

_Kraden_ Tammi hated him almost as much as she hated Felix and Saturos. He talked way too much and was just plain annoying. She sat down in the very back of the class, pulled out her notebook, and started drawing a picture of Alex.

_Might as well make _some _use of this period, _she thought.

A sword speared the paper, and Tammi looked up to see a Mini-Dullahan standing on her desk.

She sat back very quickly, her eyes wide. The Mini lifted the paper up with one hand, looked at it for a minute, and then sliced it into a million pieces with its sword.

"My _drawing!_My _fanart_" Tammi cried. The Mini jumped off of her desk and marched back up to Kraden, who patted it on the shoulder.

"Good boy, Krayden." He then turned to the class, pushing his glasses up his nose. "You _will_ listen very closely, and you _will_ take notes. If you fail this class, I will personally have every Mini in the school come and Down you as many times as they can, because I am that sick of Alchemy being misrepresented."

He slammed a thick book onto the table before him. "Alchemy," he said. "It is based on an ancient science of your world, which sought to create the Alchemist's Stone. You may also have heard of the stone referred to as the Sorcerer's Stone, the Philosopher's Stone, or, as it was called in Golden Sun, the Stone of Sages. The stone could give people eternal life and turn any base metal into gold." He looked around. "Why aren't you writing this down?"

There was a frantic scribbling of pencils and rustling of paper.

"I'm not repeating that," Kraden said. "Next, repeat after me. Fire, air, earth, water."

The students, most of which had learned the value of repeating things from Saturos's class, repeated it.

"Fire. Air. Earth. Water. These are the four elements of Alchemy, as represented in Golden Sun by Mars, Jupiter, Venus, and Mercury respectively. There are _no_ more elements. No 'darkness,' no 'ice,' no 'light' and no 'poison.' Earth, water, fire, and air. Venus, Mercury, Mars, and Jupiter. That is _all_ there is."

"What about Sol and Luna?" A boy at the back of the class asked. Tammi recognized him from Villainy 101—his name was DarkHunter65. He had black hair that seemed to be constantly smoldering (he must have written it down as "charred," Tammi thought), and he fancied himself as being evil. Tammi also knew that he disliked Kraden with a passion—that was most likely the reason he was starting an argument with the old scholar.

Kraden narrowed his eyes behind his spectacles. "There is no factor for either Sol or Luna in Alchemy, boy. They are just the ruling bodies, the Sun and the Moon. In Alchemy, there is Earth, water, air, and fire, and that is all. Am I not making myself clear?"

"Well, Venus, Mercury, Mars, and Jupiter are only four of the planets in the solar system," DarkHunter continued. "What about Saturn, Neptune, Uranus, and Pluto? What about Sol and Luna?"

"I suppose you want there to be a Gaia Adept as well?" Kraden said. He was obviously getting agitated with DarkHunter. "Let me repeat myself in case you didn't hear me the first few times. The _only_ elements in Alchemy are fire, air, earth, and water. Do you understand me yet?"

"Those aren't the only elements in the world, though," DarkHunter countered.

"Name something that's not," Kraden said, slamming his hands down on the desk.

"Ice."

"Ice is made of water, which is under Mercury," Kraden replied.

DarkHunter frowned. "Wood."

"All plant life, including wood, comes from the earth, which is under Venus."

"Light and Darkness."

"Those aren't elements any more than air is solid," Kraden said. "They're just there."

"All right, smart guy, why no other planets then?"

"I would appreciate it if you showed a bit more respect to your elders, boy," Kraden said. "As for the other planets, think of it along more mythological lines. Jupiter, Venus, Mars, and Mercury are some of the better-known . . . what was it? Roman? Anyway, they're some of the better-known Roman deities in your world. Does that mean that every Roman god has to be present? Surely not! There are far too many.

"Besides, if there were other elements, there'd have to be other Elemental Stars. There are not; they would have been in Sol Sanctum if they even existed. There would also be more lighthouses, meaning that these other lighthouses would also need to be lit in order to bring about the rise of the Golden Sun. Could the Golden Sun have risen if there were beacons yet to be lit? Of course not. And yet, it did, meaning there could be no more beacons."

DarkHunter folded his arms and leaned back.

"Let me guess, you wrote yourself down as a Luna Adept, didn't you?" Kraden said. "Or a Saturn, or Pluto maybe? Those three seem to be the most popular."

DarkHunter scowled.

Kraden—gentle, eccentric old Kraden—_smirked._ "Take your shirt off."

There was a lot of noise in the room, and Tammi winced. What was the point of getting DarkHunter to strip? Sure, Tammi didn't _like_ Kraden much, but she had never thought that he would be so . . . so . . . _twisted!_

"Oh, be quiet, the lot of you," Kraden said. "I want to see if Miss Jen's precautions for such a thing worked. If you honestly think I was going to do . . . something unmentionable to the boy, you need to pick your minds up out of the gutter."

"Fine," Dark muttered. "I'll do it." He pulled his shirt off over his head.

On his chest, like some warped kind of scarlet letter, was "Luna," written in all capitals. The letters were made from scars carved into DarkHunter's skin.

"That," Kraden said, "is what happens when you claim a Psynergy that doesn't exist. You become a non-Adept, since that Psynergy doesn't exist in the Golden Sun world, and you are thereafter marked to teach you not to do such a thing again. I imagine it would be in a different place for females; Miss Jen told me theirs would be across their back."

Tammi let out a breath, glad she hadn't put Saturn or Neptune as her Psynergy on her application. Then again, she hadn't considered it a possibility, since there was no "Other" space on the form. DarkHunter must have written it in.

She saw a girl on the other side of the class smiling a little _too _broadly, the corners of her smile twitching as she fought to sustain them, and hoped for the sake of sanity that she wasn't asked to reveal her mark as well.

Kraden folded his arms. "Put your shirt back on. We still have a lot of things to cover."

An hour later, after writing down various Alchemy theories and reasons for the four elements being what they were, Tammi stumbled out of the room bearing an assignment to analyze each Adept in the main party and how their Psynergy might tie in to both mythology and nature.

This year, Tammi decided, was not going to be fun at all.


	8. Alex plus Fangirl equals Manipulation 10...

**Chapter 8:**

Alex (plus) drooling fangirl (equals) Manipulation 101

* * *

Lunch passed quickly as Tammi thumbed through her _A Beginner's Guide to Alchemy _book. She knew she'd likely be up all night working on Kraden's assignment. So she was startled when the bell rang, signaling that she had five minutes to get to class. She gathered her things and rushed out the door, headed for room 156. 

She pushed through the door and let out her breath.

"Sit."

It was Mia. She appeared to remember Tammi from the infirmary, because her mouth twitched slightly. Tammi decided to make a slightly better impression on Mia than she had at first, and walked toward the front of the class.

"Hey, Tammi."

She sat down. "Hey, Shane. Imagine meeting you here."

"Yeah."

The two sat in silence for a bit of time before a second bell rang and Mia began pacing. She examined the class carefully, eying a few boys near the front who were staring rather greedily at her.

"This is the course on Romance Fanfiction, also known as Golden Sun, not Golden Lemon. Jenna will be co-teaching this class with me, but she was apparently stampeded on the way here and, as a result, will be a bit late."

At the mention of Jenna's name, several more of the males in the room began to drool.

"Now, let me make a few things clear," Mia said. "As you know, there will be no glomping in this class. Jenna and I will constantly be team-teaching. For the males here, no, we will not marry you no matter how nicely you ask. Nor will we be asking you to marry us. Nor will we be doing any . . ." Mia glanced at a sheet of paper in her hand, _slashy_ activities, such as making out with or groping one another--" She gagged. "This is ridiculous. I can't believe you people write things like this."

"But you two are both so sexy, and you look even better together!" a boy from the back of the class called.

"Dragon Fume!"

He was scorched by Jenna's attack as she entered the room, Jeena the mini-Dullahan following right behind her. Jenna herself was looking more than a touch grumpy, and rather dissatisfied with whatever had just happened. Jeena, on the other hand, seemed quite satisfied with itself; it was using what Tammi suspected was part of a fanboy's shirt to wipe blood off its sword.

Tammi shuddered.

"Welcome to class!" Jenna said, marching up to stand beside Mia. "As Mia's already told you, this is the course on Romance Fanfiction. Now, we don't really care whether you worms write a good amount of romance or not--you're in here to learn how to if you ever do, or how to do it _correctly_ if you ever have. Is that clear?"

Mumbling.

Jenna scowled. "I _said,_ is that clear?!"

Silence met her question this time.

"Good," she said.

"So," Mia interrupted, "Let's start off with an introduction of couplings. Now, there really aren't any canon couples in Golden Sun, because character interaction in the first game is minimal and we were concentrating on other things in The Lost Age. Even yaoi or yuri--same-sex relationships--might be canonical if looked at in the right light. So we can't really lecture you on keeping couples canon. Except for a few. But, as you've already likely been told, if you do it well enough then messing with canon is acceptable. Is that clear?"

Silence again.

"Good."

"So." Jenna held out her staff, as if ready to defend from a sudden onslaught. "Now, just because people are in love doesn't mean they have to do the nasty, if you get my drift. Even if they do, what makes you think people want to read about it? Frankly, I don't care to read about what Isaac and Mia do together in the dead of night, thank you very much. That sort of thing does not belong on--if you haven't noticed, NC-17fics are not allowed there. If you're going to write them, stick them someplace else, preferably up your own--"

"Easy, Jenna, let's not get carried away," Mia interrupted.

"It's a free world," a girl near the back called. "We can write what we want to, even lemons and limes!"

Mia sighed, rubbing her forehead with one hand. "Yes, you can. We're not going to stop you. Jenna just doesn't like them much, that's all. Besides that, love isn't all about sex. That would be lust. But what's it matter anyway? A good deal of you can't tell the two apart. Now, we're going to talk about how to do a successful romance fanfiction without any mention of sex, all right?"

Tammi left the class an hour later with a pout on her face. They just didn't get it, that was all. Romance always led to sex, didn't it?

Shane, meanwhile, had seemed pretty satisfied with the class, and bid Tammi a cheerful goodbye as they parted ways in the hall. Tammi just grumbled something and continued on her way.

Her mood lightened when she saw Alex lounging in the front of her next class, looking bored and waiting for the bell to ring.

She eagerly took a seat at the front, and her drool began to puddle beneath her feet.

The bell rang, and Alex took a quick glance around the room. His eyes fell on Tammi, and he smiled.

_He's looking at me he's looking at me he's looking at me he's smiling he's smiling he's smiling_

"Miss Tammi Holmes, was it?" he asked, walking over to her desk. In an effort to look her best, Tammi pulled her tongue back into her mouth. "I suppose your presence here today means you fully recovered from that awful blow the Mini-Dullahans gave you?"

"Mm-hnuh," Tammi managed.

"Oh, I'm so relieved," Alex said. "I've been worried about you ever since I saw you in the Sanctum, you know."

"Mraaaaaaah. . ." Tammi couldn't seem to get words to form on her tongue.

"Would you come up here, miss Tammi?" Alex extended one hand. Tammi took it and dazedly followed Alex to the front of the room.

"Welcome to class!" Alex said, turning away from Tammi for a moment. "Observe carefully, and take notes!"

_Observe what?_ Tammi wondered.

"Now Tammi, do you love me?" Alex asked, turning back to Tammi.

At the sight of his eyes, she froze again. "Nn-hn."

"Oh, good," Alex said. He was still smiling; Tammi wanted to melt on the spot. "I was worried you wouldn't. Well, Tammi, if you love me, then what will you do for me?"

She spent a few minutes stammering, then finally managed to say, "Anything."

"Would you let my friend Alec here kill you again?" Alex asked. "He needs practice, you see, and I think you're beautiful when you're Downed."

_Wait wait wait, Alex just called me beautiful!_

"Uh-huh," she said. "If that's what you want."

"Take it away, Alec," Alex said to the Mini-Dullahan at his side. The mini seemed rather delighted at the concept of willing prey, and readied its sword. Tammi braced herself, and the sword screamed through the air toward her neck.

It stopped just before chopping her head off.

"Welcome, class," Alex said, "to Manipulation 101."

There was a burst of laughter, and Tammi, redder than a tomato, snuck back into her seat.

"You're lucky," Alex said to her. "I don't want the room to get messy, so I told Alec just to scare you a bit. Of course, you would have gone willingly to your demise. Such is the essence of manipulation, is it not?"

That was the moment that Tammi started to dislike Alex. Only a little, but even a little was monumental in her case.

"Anyway, class, today we will be discussing how to find out what a person wants and using it to your advantage," Alex said. "I did the exact same thing with Felix, Saturos, and Isaac. What did Saturos want? To light the beacons in order to save Prox. What did Felix want? To light the beacons and liberate his parents. What did Isaac want? To save Jenna. So I manipulated all their best interests to prevent anyone from stopping me. Think about it--Saturos and Felix did all my dirty work, and since Isaac was off with Jenna, no one was in Vale to stop me from taking the Golden Sun. I won."

"Not so!" Susie called out, standing up and slamming her hands down onto the desk. "The Wise One beat you, remember?"

"The Wise One was not part of my plan," Alex said. "An unforeseen circumstance--an externality. They always crop up, but this one was not good at all. We will not be talking about him in my class. Understood?"

Tammi, having just been to Romance Fanfiction, knew that silence was the way to respond. It seemed most of the rest of the class understood this as well.

Susie did not.

"I think you're just making excuses!" she yelled. "You just can't admit that the Wise One beat you!"

"Perhaps," Alex replied cryptically. He looked at Susie for a long minute. "And then again, maybe you're entirely mistaken. My class is not the place to be discussing such things."

Tammi raised a hand. Alex looked at her and smirked. "Yes, _Miss_ Holmes?"

"So, um, how do you tell what someone wants?" Tammi asked, her voice trembling. Maybe she could find a way to get back into Alex's good graces.

"I see you like to remain right on subject," he said. He turned away for a moment and tossed out his hair with one hand.

A different Alex fangirl lunged; Alec called up Charon and the girl vanished in a puff of smoke.

"Now, can anyone tell me what it is that girl wanted?" Alex asked, turning around.

"You, obviously," Wing Sarten called from the back of the class.

"Good observation," Alex said. "So, by observing people and the way they act, you can tell what it is that they want. I had already met Miss Holmes here," he made a gesture toward Tammi, "and since I was in the room at the time, it was painfully obvious--_very_ painfully obvious--that her desire was to have me."

Tammi turned redder and sank in her seat as all the eyes of the class suddenly fell on her.

"Now, another key to manipulation is to only let the person have what is beneficial to yourself as well," Alex said. "The rest, you should care less about. See, since Miss Holmes here wanted nothing short of strangling me to death with her so-called loving embrace, I decided that giving her what she wanted would _not_ be beneficial to me. So I took her desire and twisted it to match my own. Does that make sense?"

Everyone was silent (including Susie). But, as always, all good things must come to an end.

"You're a scumbag!" one of the I Hate Alex Club members near the back called.

"We want you to die!" a second one called.

Alex grinned at the rest of the class. "Of course, it _is _slightly easier when they just tell you outright what it is that they want." He then looked toward the back and began walking in that direction.

"So, what you want is to have my head on a platter, is that right?" he asked.

"You bet it is!" a third member of the IHAC called.

"Really." Alex continued walking. "Now, let me go over with you what will happen if you attempt to kill me. First off, no matter how strong you think yourselves to be, remember that I carry a good amount of the essence of the Golden Sun. Therefore, even without Alec's help, I could Down each of you several times over, and do it so fast that your little heads would spin."

"A small price to pay!" the first member of the IHAC announced.

"Oh, but that's hardly all," Alex continued. "Miss Jen would be absolutely livid and likely unleash wave after wave of Minis on you. Of course, they'd be only delighted at the chance to use their swords on students. And, last of all, you may wish to know that attacking the staff is a very serious charge. You could be expelled from OFUW for good."

This was met with silence, until a fourth IHAC member asked, "For good?

"That means no second chances. No author's license. And most importantly, no more fanfiction writing," Alex said.

More silence.

"I don't doubt that you still want me dead," Alex said. "I do, however, think you may have changed your mind as to whether you want to be the ones doing the killing."

The IHAC members glared at him, but said nothing, and he turned around, smiling.

"You see?" he said. "I've done it again."

Tammi emerged from the class feeling far stupider than she had ever had before. She also felt that she was beginning to understand exactly why Susie hated Alex so much.

Of course, Tammi couldn't hate him. It was too much for anyone to hope for.

She headed off to her last class of the day, finding with dismay that her second-most-hated character, Felix, sat behind the desk, gazing off into space as he waited for the bell to ring. He was looking very distracted, so Tammi decided maybe, just maybe, she might be able to skip out on class today.

She turned and walked back toward the door. In a flash, a Mini-Dullahan had appeared, blocking her path with its sword.

"Good boy, Delix," Felix said.

The mini poked Tammi in the led with the hilt of its sword and pointed back toward the desks, a dangerous _get back to your seat or suffer the horrid consequences_.

Tammi shuddered and sank into a vacant seat, watching as Delix walked by and continued its patrol of the classroom. The bell rang, and Felix stood.

He turned to a boy near the front.

"Angst," he commanded.

"What?" the boy asked.

"I said, angst. I want to see if you're one of . . . _them."_

The boy shrugged and worked his face into a pout and pretended to cry, doing so rather loudly and badly.

"You _are_ one of them," Felix said in disgust. He turned to the others. "And I guess the rest of you are as well! I've read your work! I know what you think angst is! And let me tell you, you're entirely wrong!"

He whirled around, pushing his cape out from behind him with one hand. "One does not angst over a broken fingernail! One does not angst over an argument with one's boyfriend! One angsts because something truly wrong has happened to you--not something _unfair,_ mind you, something that is actually _bad_ and stings you straight through the heart! Do you understand?!"

"Yes?" one timid boy volunteered.

_"Wrong answer!"_ Felix yelled in reply. The boy shrank in his seat. "If you _did_ understand then you wouldn't be in my classroom in the first place, do you see?"

Suffice it to say that Felix spent the remainder of the hour lecturing--Tammi liked to think of it as ranting--on why none of them could understand what angst was in the first place. She left the class feeling a bit infuriated.

How _dare_ Felix imply that she had no idea what angst was! How dare he ignore all her original characters, whose angsty pasts were the size of Weyard!

There was another thing she didn't get. Felix had said something about the source of angst needing to be _extremely_ serious if it was in the distant enough past. A death or being abused were the only ones he could think of to meet such criteria, and he said even abuse had to be a special case.

"No more of this 'I think it's my fault that my father accidentally scratched me with a fork ten years ago!' or any such muck like that!" Felix had yelled.

Tammi, who had tuned out most of the lecture, paid attention at that point, and only that point. Mainly because Delix was standing very close to her chair at the time.

She had left the class with an assignment--a 2000 word fanfic in which one of the canon characters angsts. It was the canon part that got her. Why not Vynna or one of her other originals? Surely they could angst just as well as any of the so-called canon characters!

She'd show him! She'd show him and all the rest as well!

And so it was that Tammi spent much of her dinner hour scribbling own details of Vynna's angst while stuffing her face with as much food as would fit in her mouth.

She scrambled into bed late that night, turning over and kissing her hand-drawn Alex fanart goodnight before she fell asleep.

Her dreams were sweet, unlike what the next day at OFUW would be.


End file.
